My boyfriend wanted to take the weekend off, and also two weekends ago. Last weekend we had an argument and he said he wanted to break up, but we didn’t. I think if he behaved differently I would feel better. Here are answers to coaching questions.

How do you think you’d feel if he changed his behavior?

I think I would feel valued and loved. I wouldn’t feel as afraid of him cheating or leaving me. I would feel like I am good enough and that I can trust that other people love me. I think I would feel more loving toward him. (I think his actions cause my thoughts and feelings.)

What would you make that behavior change mean?

It would mean that our relationship is good and worthwhile, and that I am not wasting my time with him. I might make it mean that I can trust him. I might make it mean that he loves me, or that I want to stay with him. I might make it mean that he has evolved personally, or use it as validation that he is a good person or we have a good relationship. I am measuring the goodness of our relationship based upon how he reacts and behaves.

I want to feel safe and in love. I want to believe that I am worthy and valuable independent of my relationship. I want to believe that I can trust myself and my partner. Ideally I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be with me and accepts and loves me as I am. I want to feel loving toward myself and my partner.

C: relationship, R said words
T: I can’t trust him
F: Sorrow, despair
A: Cry, think about things he did in the past, or might do in the future, look for evidence that he isn’t trustworthy, look for evidence that there is something wrong with me or him, argue with reality, resist my feelings of frustration, disappointment, and love
R: I don’t trust myself/become a victim

C: same
T: I create and love my present experience, exactly as it is
F: Safe, empowered
A: Let R have his own thoughts, feelings and opinions, be kind to myself, be curious about my thoughts and feelings, stop arguing, stop trying to control the future and R, accept myself and R exactly as we are, be open to change, forgive myself and him for not being perfect
R: I stop arguing with reality and am able to listen to myself and others

Thanks, any feedback is welcome.