Other People’s Models 6

I’m in a LDR of 4 years. My boyfriend sometimes raises his voice when speaking to me. I don’t like it and experience annoyance, anxiety, and anger when he does.

Tonight he was tired and stressed from his job and was driving to his martial arts class. He was yelling at me about why I am so stubborn and won’t just do something the IT guy at my work suggested.

He also is on this trip where he wants to take every other weekend off. And the last two weekends were when his roomate is gone. I am worried that he is seeing someone else or trying to. But when I talk to him about it it seems like he isn’t. I think he might be giving me space so I will start acting ‘good.’ (Not arguing, not challenging him, and changing my schedule to see him at his convenience without a schedule and on short notice.)

Here are answers to the last coaching questions.

C: R says he wants the weekend off
T: He could be seeing someone else
F: Panic
A: Search his social media for women who liked his posts, think about how he has been acting for evidence for my theory, Think about things that I don’t like about myself, think negative things about relationships in general, think about how I can’t trust him
R: I create the experience of him seeing someone else, i.e I hurt myself for no reason

C: R says he wants the weekend off
T: He gets to decide what he wants to do with his weekend
F: Relief
A: Let go of trying to control the situation, accept the reality of how our relationship feels now, focus on myself, notice my feelings and sensations in my body, stop catastrophizing, relax my body, stop trying to control him, think about my own preferences and choices, feel the feelings I am avoiding (anxiety, fear, disappointment, sorrow, relief)
R: I decide what I want to do with my thoughts and feelings, I stop resisting reality by imagining I can control the future with my actions

What would happen if you let go of the expectation that your boyfriend needs to behave a certain way in order for you to feel enough?

I think this is a little hard because it would work better if I work on my self worth first. I think I might be fine spending less time with him. I think I would have to generate some different ways to spend my time. Or change my thinking around quite a bit. I spend quite a bit of time in relationships worrying about what the other person is doing or thinking, and thinking of ways and doing things to try to make them happy. I would probably feel kind of empty and uncomfortable at first because I am used to constantly seeking other’s approval.

How can you give yourself permission to get curious about what you want, knowing that your boyfriend doesn’t have to change in order for you to get it?

I sometimes feel like I am so far away from what I want, that this question is irrelevant. But I know that’s not true. I think I have to get comfortable with empty space in my life. Time to think, time to be alone, time to read. And give myself permission to do what I want in the moment, without feeling like I should be doing something else. I think I am being too hard on myself, and it’s exhausting. I am trying to control what will happen because I want to avoid emotional pain. But that’s not really how life works.

Any feedback is appreciated.