Overeating is so connected with overweight (my thought) that until now was not (willing to) work on it. I’m not overweight, never been, love healthy food and sports. But… Once in a while, a few weeks, a month, I ‘have’ a binge, also last night. This ‘morning after’ I felt awful, horrible like all the other times. Beating myself up, thinking many self-criticising thoughts.
I decided to go back to yesterday in my mind and see how the day had gone and when I already knew what was going to happen when my son would be in bed. My husband is abroad for business, I only binge when alone.
Since in Scholars, this month, I’ve decided to plan my days ahead, from hour to hour, and stick to it. As a way to develop self confidence; trusting myself on what I plan and say I’ll do.
Yesterday I had a class in a city 30 km from home, and since it’s almost holiday we stopped early (not my decision), that meant I ‘had to’ wait for my yoga class to start for another 2 hours. Normally I take advantage of being in the city to combine activities. I decided to go another yoga class instead, I didn’t want to spend 2 hours waiting. I love yoga, will go another day, so that’s not the issue. But all afternoon I was thinking that I should have gone, that I failed. And more, my son stayed with a friend until 16:00 since I wouldn’t have been able to pick him up at 14:00 from school (Normally I would be at my yoga class). He love to stay with his friend, so that’s also no issue either.
I picked him up at 16:00 although I had been able to do it at 14:00 yesterday. Felt guilty for not picking him up early. “I’m a bad mother”. Felt guilty for not waiting the 2 hours and go to the yoga class I planned. “I’m not disciplined”. And at 21:00 I started eating chips and nuts, to stop the criticising voice in my head.
When I read this I realise myself it’s all thoughts that cause my feeling of failure, it’s hard and painful to recognise myself now, in the morning, but I know it was me. I want to be honest and clear.
During the binge I had thoughts like:
“I’m not overweight, so it doesn’t matter”, “it happens only once in a while”, “I can stop whenever I want (and finally did of course)”. “I don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat sugar, don’t be so rigid”.
It’s like being at a perfect weight makes it legitimate to binge.
These thoughts are not helping in any way.
Do I buy an urge jar(!), even if urges happen so rare? Or is there another way to grow out of this behaviour?