Ever since I moved back home with my parents about 3 weeks ago, I very naturally decided to let go of a lot of buffering I was doing: porn, alcohol, weed, tobacco, scrolling social media and every time I feel uncomfortable really sitting with it and being with what comes up. The more I do this, the more it’s hitting me exactly why I am where I am at lately. I just had an experience where I was laying on the floor on my yoga mat going from laughing to sobbing because of the mental battle I was experiencing.

I am really starting to see there is this inner critic that is loud as fuck, and I was using a lot of the buffering to silence his voice. What I am currently experiencing is that I am actually really scared to listen to what this “inner critic” says because I’m afraid I’ll believe it. Some of these thoughts that come up are:

– Maybe you’re crazy
– There’s something wrong with you
– You might need help
– Making the wrong decision is scary
– I am scared to make the wrong decision
– You don’t know what you want
– You shouldn’t be writing this current submission to ask a coach
– The coaches in ask a coach are going to think you’re crazy and a victim
– You are a fraud as a coach
– You should take a break from EVERYTHING, hide away and get a job, and just meet new people and re-do life
– What you’re feeling is unsafe
– It’s scary as FUCK to feel this self doubt and to listen to these thoughts because maybe I actually will believe them
– In this moment, I’m scared

I could go on and on. I guess what I’ve been running away from a lot is a fear of being seen as crazy .. which can sometimes come with being a life coach and challenging “normal” opinions, I am also afraid to be wrong. I’ve been avoiding owning that but clearly I am actually scared of it. I also seem to believe this almost “spell” of “I don’t know what I want” which shows up in all areas of my life: my business, even the video games I play, what I put on my calendar, what hobbies I explore are all tainted by indecision.

In this moment, I don’t really know what I’m asking for here. I just want to love myself and accept myself and I also want to believe that it’s safe to feel and think everything I’m thinking. I also actually WANT to want to believe that I have a choice in my thoughts, feelings, actions, results .. because right now in this moment I genuinely believe I don’t. I also want to be able to validate/hold space for myself instead of always seeking out a coach to do it for me or to make decisions for me.

Any help from a coach?