Lately i’m often frustrated with my partner….she’s gained tons of weight during the pandemic. She is constantly scared and anxious of going anywhere or doing anything because of the pandemic. She doesn’t get help for her anxiety or weight gain, and if I try to suggest she do something about the weight or anxiety, she gets really upset and says that I don’t love her unconditionally for who she is. I talk about Brooke’s tools, but she does not agree or align with changing your thoughts to change your lived experience.
I love my partner, but I often feel that her anxiety and lack commitment to health really affects my life. I also feel that I’m making things worse by thinking negatively about her. She recently said that she feel that i’m always pointing out the negative things about her, and that she doesn’t even know if I like being with her sometimes (which was really sad for me to hear because I love her). I want to accept and love her for who she is, while also being who I am – someone who is always setting goals and working towards those goals. I also believe my negative thoughts are negatively affecting my relationship, and I need to work on my negative thoughts before things can get better.
Here’s my unintentional model:
C: Partner has gained 50 lbs
T: My partner doesn’t care about maintaining her weight, and therefore doesn’t care about me.
F: I feel angry and frustrated that she’s not prioritizing our relationship
A: Judge her for gaining weight. Make comments / insist that we work out.
R: Partner feels judged and unloved.
Here’s a possible Intentional Model:
C: Partner has gained 50lbs
T: We are in a pandemic that’s extremely stressful, and she’s doing her best to maintain mental and physical health.
F: Sympathetic towards my partner who is struggling and needs support
A: Support my partner in feeling good day to day, whatever that looks like for her
R: Partner feels loved and supported
The only issue with this model is that I get the result that i’m wanting (my partner to feel supported and loved)> But often times i’m not seeing the result that I want – which is seeing her prioritize our relationship. Perhaps I need a different model for my own thought process that her gaining weight means she doesn’t prioritize our relationship.
Could use some help with my thinking so we can both get what we want (feeling supported and prioritized). thanks!