I’m not sure what to write, so I’m just going to start writing. Anxious. I’m still reeling. Why, I’m not sure. I guess I have guilt for being high? I am so hard on myself. I constantly think I’m an imposter. I have trouble accepting or even naming my bad parts. I see the good in everyone except me. I know logically that I’m a good person because I try so hard to be good because I want to help them. I want to help myself.
I’m a psychiatric nurse. A queer cis female age 27. I have a great girlfriend. I have a great life. I help my patients. I work hard to love myself. I’ve been feeling overstimulated recently. I have a new romantic partner (my girlfriend) who I feel loves me so fiercely. And I’m super in love with her, and I love what we have together. So I see her every weekend. And we’re passionate, loving, and silly with each other. And she can go on and on talking about just about anything. And I love her ideas and listening to her. And having intelligent conversations and just really throwing ideas back and forth.
But after 24-48 hours, I start feeling a bit burnt out. Like I need to be by myself to reflect and recharge in a way. But I feel shame for feeling this way; It feels wrong to need a break from being around someone I absolutely adore. I’ve spoken to her about this, and she’s reassured me (the darling she is) that she supports me and thinks it’s healthy for us to spend time alone with ourselves and that my needs are important and valid. That said, I’m definitely not feeling guilted by her (I feel so supported!), so it’s gotta be coming from my own thoughts.
I’ve always considered myself extroverted because I used to feel that I never had *enough* social interaction. So this feeling is strange. I’m just finding myself ruminating over my own thought processes and nitpicking at and analyzing myself. I’ve been working on coping by “doing”. So setting time aside to focus on doing a physical task in an attempt to reground myself and take pleasure outside of my thoughts.
But there’s a feeling of unsteadiness and instability that is scary to experience. I do see a therapist and psychiatrist, so mental health conditions are in my C line. I’ve been exploring the idea lately that I might have the habits of a perfectionist and that I might like to explore how perfectionism might be ruling my brain. Maybe I’m having trouble holding space for and naming the bad in me. I do believe that good and bad is in everyone. But so often, I find myself perceiving not quite enough good in myself while simultaneously failing to name or acknowledge the bad, I suppose for fear of becoming bad. Please help!