Please help! All I want to do is cry and I’m trying to figure out how to work through my thoughts to stop crying.

Good Morning. I tried to do the 20 minute coaching session but there aren’t any available until next week and I just had something happen yesterday that breaks my heart and has had me in tears ever since. My goal is to stop crying as it’s not productive and I have to work but I’m not sure what thoughts I should think to not cry. I’ve tried the thought it’s okay it’s supposed to happen that way but that doesn’t seem to help.

My circumstance is my mom tried to kill herself last night. My thought is I wish she wouldn’t do that, I love her and I’ll miss her when she’s gone. A little background is my mom has a mental illness that has surged nonstop (every single day) since Thanksgiving 2020 but has been periodic (at least 5 episodes per year) for the last 16 years. In her mind she believes that if I move back home (I live in a different state) and take care of her that her mental illness won’t be as bad as it is but I know that is not the case as when I moved out almost 15 years ago it was because she tried to kill me in one of her episodes. I was still living in the same state and moved out of state 5 years ago.

In the beginning, everything was fine. But then she started doing things that in her mind would get me to move back and live with her and when they don’t work she is always trying something else. She calls me in tears telling me that she needs me to move back home. That absolutely breaks my heart but it’s not possible. Even if I moved back home who’s not to say she would try to kill me again in one of her episodes.

For example: she told me that she slept with my fiancé, that he molested my nieces and nephews (I know for a fact none of those are true but that’s the manipulation game she always does when things don’t go her way). She believes that I shouldn’t be with my fiancé, have a job or do anything that I want to do. Instead, she believes that I should move in and care for her full time. Even when I tell her I don’t want to, I have a life of my own to live she says you’ll be back soon you just wait and see.

My family and I have tried to get her long-term care for the past year but according to the law, they can’t make her go if she doesn’t want to and the only way a judge will issue a court order is if she kills someone other than herself. She has stabbed my dad 3 times within the last year with a knife (the cops were called, she was arrested and then released the very next day), pulled the knife on a police officer (the officer arrested her and released her the next morning) but still no one in that town will do anything because they say no one died so legally they can’t even though they are aware of her situation.

It is sad that someone else has to die for her to get the help she really needs. They said her trying to kill herself doesn’t count for a court order for her to be in a long term care facility (which in my opinion is what she really needs as we can’t control her. She hears voices that tells her to do things like not take her medicine, that people are trying to hurt her (but they aren’t)) I know that I can’t control what she does but it makes me feel so sad and I can’t stop crying.

I love my mom dearly but I absolutely hate her mental illness and everything it’s doing. I know she’s not the person she once was but I’m not sure what to think now that I’ve given up hope that she will get the help she really needs without someone else having to die first. She always goes to short-term facilities but as soon as she is released she is back in there the very next day. The cops are always called but still nothing. Please help. Any advice would be great as I’m at a loss of words again. Thank you in advance.