Today, the following sentences came out in my thought download: “My husband has changed so much since our baby – he says that with the birth of our daughter, he stopped being and doing what I want him to do and be and started being and doing what he really is and always was. To me everything looked fine with him before. I never had any indication that he was pretending to be someone else or doing something that he did not want to do for my sake. Now, the conversations with him are draining my energy. He is always so negative, critical and hesitant that it is taking all my energy to stay positive and upbeat around him. He basically used all day today to tell me first what I did wrong this morning and then why a course that I found interesting and talked about to him will not be worth the time and money before even looking at it closely. I feel like he is like a marlstone tied to my leg, like life with him is a continuous uphill battle that I am fighting all alone and I am already tired. It is unfortunate that now we have the baby together – I love her dearly but I am not sure I would have had her with him if I had known exactly how he really is before. But now it is too late. I made a huge mistake staying with him. I would be better off without any relationship. I could leave him and the baby and then go live my life alone and visit her from time to time – I am sure she will grow up ok with him and his mother, but of course that is not the best kind of life she could have.”
Looking at this thought download, I am completely shocked that the situation with my husband would lead me to even contemplate leaving my daughter with him to go off live my life alone and not even feel bad about it. What is happening here, am I a totally crazy monster? What kind of mother am I that I would even think about leaving my kid, even when it is with her father? Am I regretting motherhood? Am I simply exhausted and confused? I feel completely at loss and paralyzed about how to proceed now. I wasn’t even able to complete a model on it as I couldn’t even muster a proper feeling when thinking the thought:
C- My daughter, my husband
T – I could leave her with him and go live my life alone, visiting her from time to time
F – ?