I am trying to help myself solve a problem for my feelings and actions at work.
I want to find a new story for my past and a new CTFAR for work.
This is a bit embarrassing/vulnerable to talk about but, here it goes

I am a female in a male dominated workplace – scientific field.
I don’t like admitting this but I am very competitive at work. So I haven’t “owned’ this

After all these years I am seeing how confused I am-specifically about what it means to be in a competitive work environment. Maybe it’s OK, maybe I should be competitive and need to find a way to succeed in this competitive environment? Maybe I need to find a friendly competitive?

I have been attributing the competitiveness (and insecurity etc) to my reaction to the environment I grew up in ( – a zero sum game, conditional love, and sexism- my brother “won”, I “lost”. My parents used their savings to send my brother to a private school and an ivy league college. I went to an inferior public school my last year. My parents had to sell the house- in a better school system- and move to an apartment complex, inferior school system, when I was in 11th grade) and then I left high school early and worked my way thru a state university. I certainly had a victim mindset as a teenager

I discovered in college that I was very good at math and science and moved forward to a PhD
In graduate school I was awesome 50% of the time and lost 50% of the time. I was terrified of my research director, so afraid he would decide I wasn’t good enough

Now at work, as a scientist, I am constantly judging myself against others. I do not like how it feels and it blocks my mental freedom

Ironically, as the youngest in my family, I never learned to compete well. So al these years I threw myself into a difficult competitive environment and didn’t even know how to compete. My brother has become one of the top 3 researchers/surgeons in his field.

Now, I think I need to re-think how I want to be in a competitive environment, with very competitive people. Do you agree it could be as simple as that? Finally figuring out what I really think about this and want to feel about this, and then, how I want to behave?

C- me and work environment
T- I hate this person taking all the space and energy of this project (of everything actually)
F-resentful
A- stuck
R-not very pretty, not nearly as productive as I could be

C- me and work environment
T- I have complicated feelings about performing in a competitive scientific environment, with competitive people, and that is OK
F- relief,
A- ability to look at it
R- begin to create new attitudes and approaches

Can you help me with possible next thoughts?
I am kind of thinking that if I am going to participate, then I should set certain goals that also show to others that I am shining. For example, I could have goals on # publications, # patents, rate of solving problems in the lab, and definition of new projects in the lab.
In other words, perhaps I should be competing, too.
Or, perhaps I am competing already, whether I like it or not, and that’s OK?Or perhaps I should not be in such an environment, its not right for me

In other words, should I not set targets for myself to work by, if I am participating in a competitive environment? and if I want to bow out and not compete, then I need to really let myself know that is my choice?

I am between two worlds.

C- me and work environment
T-I have decided to learn how to set and live up to my goals within a competitive environment
F-a little excited but scared
A-begin to kick butt
R-the best I can do

C- me and work environment
T-I do not want to work in a competitive environment
F-sad
A-look for other work that suits me well
R-find other work that suits me well

Many thanks
Lisa