drunk mom, please help.

Hi Brooke!

About 6 months ago I attempted to establish a boundary with my mom around drinking. This need for a boundary came up because she came on a yoga retreat that I was leading and hosting and got really drunk (to the point where she could not remember the next day, slurring speech, falling down). She was up late and came into our (me, my biz partner and my husbands) room at 2am and was yelling at us to wake up, climbing into our beds, and said that we were no fun, said a few mean comments to me and on and on. For me this was a clear violation.

She was soooo ashamed for weeks after. I was really forgiving when she said sorry bc I felt like she was beating herself up enough, I just kind of left her alone. I should have probably established a boundary then. I didn’t. She got drunk at a superbowl party a month later that we were both at and snapped at me a few times. Maybe a boundary violation, maybe not. This is when I chose to set my boundary (well the following week).

The boundary was that I would not put myself in a position to where she could potentially get drunk, I would just simply leave the party etc or she would need to leave if I was the host if it was looking like we were going down that road (maybe you can help me here too, is this a good/ proper boundary?).

We had a big talk and she heard my boundary. She then decided to set her own rule that she would just simply not drink around me. That was fine with me, but I have been very clear that that is her choice and her rule. After our big boundary talk back in February we decided to have a check in around July – August. We are going to have this check in this weekend.

I feel like I want to keep my boundary. I know she is wants me to give it up and to have it go back to the way it was.

Part of me thinks that this time went well in that my boundary was not violated. It also went well bc when the four of us hang out (mom, dad, me, hubs) she isn’t be drunk and taking over the conversation like she normally does and I just like her better (we all do-
again I know this is not a violation of any kind). It was somewhat awkward at events and dinners and stuff (mainly for her – she told me) but she’d say weird things, like she was at my house this past weekend for a bbq and my bff said ‘oh you’re not drinking’ and my mom said ‘no not tonight, but soon I will be back drinking’.

Part of me thinks it went shitty because she broke her rule several times to not drink around me. Again her rule not mine. So maybe nbd?

Part of me (I have a lot of parts) is just concerned for her well being as her daughter – as I have been over the past couple of years – she seems to show signs of being an alcoholic and has admitted that she might have an issue with drinking but loves it – she will say she is working on it which means she creates these crazy rules that she then breaks ie locking the bottle of wine, only having one glass except the glass is really 2.5 glasses. Maybe this is none of my business. However, over these 6 months she and I have had several phone convos where the next day she has completely forgotten what we talked about (like big things like how my husband got freaking lost in the woods) because she was drunk, or showing up for dinner drunk and not drinking at the dinner and pretending like she was not drunk or drinking at my baby shower right at 7pm because ‘technically the shower is over’.

Anywho, I am looking for some clarity on what I should and shouldn’t bring up this weekend and if I am doing a proper job establishing my boundary? That would all be such a huge help! Thanks Brooke!

Laura Conley