Relationship and Business Ambivalence

Hi Brooke,
I think you are simply astounding 🙂 Your wisdom and spirit lights up my day, you have no idea…
Ok. This is long one…
I need to make a decision about continuing on in two major areas of my life, my marriage and my business. What I am struggling with the most actually is dealing with the ambivalence – not being able to resolve what I want and feel I need to do to move forward in my life vs. my obligations and commitments. In both areas, I know what I want to do in my heart, but I am just so afraid of the possibility of regret down the road for giving up and moving on, and all the repercussions that go along with it. We are struggling financially in a HUGE way, due to my struggling company which I gave up my 6-figure job to start (my idea…) – which we have invested our life savings into, but sadly we’ve not been successful at making any money at. My husband is also my business partner. I have carried 80% of the business over the past 3 years, working 60-70 hour weeks vs. his contribution which has been minimal in comparison, and done nothing to alleviate the pressure and challenges I face on my own every day. I’ve made so many mistakes, gotten in way over my head with things, but I’ve learned so much and actually am proud that I have come this far. I take full responsibility for the position we are in right now, however, I also believe that had my husband done his job better and been an equal partner, things could have been very different. Our company is finally on the precipice of possibly turning the corner and becoming profitable, but I am at this point exhausted and drained and now questioning my ability to be able to carry things forward and take it to the next level. I’ve lost my passion for the product I make and I’ve grown to deeply resent my husband for his lack of support and involvement in the tough stuff. I came to the realization along the way that I could not count on him for anything to do with the financial, creative or strategic end of things, so I don’t, but it still leaves me feeling disheartened and disappointed. On top of everything, he has addiction issues, which have only escalated over the past year. I don’t even like to be around him any more, the thought of intimacy makes me queazy. He gets high and drunk every weekend and it really bothers me. It’s just another way he lives in denial. When I was making 200K we did not have these issues, but deep down I felt I was carrying the load back then too and had some of the same doubts about my marriage. I could go on.
Given that I ultimately created all of this (and I am ok with that) — is it wrong to just want to wipe the slate clean, make a break and start over, regardless of who I hurt along the way (my husband)? Is that running away from my problems? I’m so tired of being tired, yet here I am at 5:00 am, at my desk… I am not someone who gives up easily – but I feel like it’s more of a curse than a blessing these days.
Your insights would be much appreciated. Set me straight, mamma 😉
With gratitude,