I began work on the relationship module in the Study Vault almost two weeks ago, with an eye to looking at my romantic history and relationships, and have been doing the homework. The first relationship I focused on was a man whom I really liked but who was breadcrumbing me. By the end of the week, I realized that the right thing (for myself and for him) was to not want a relationship with him at all, of any sort.

The second is a man I’ve been in an on/off relationship for 1.5 years. In the past when we were not together we were not in touch, but about a month ago I needed his help to rescue my cat, and I happened to notice a melanoma on his ear. He asked me to be the “best friend” who takes him to all of the surgical appointments etc… even though he is pursuing a new relationship (they have been on only three dates but are sleeping together and have committed to one another). Though we have tried to be friends both now and in the past it really hasn’t worked well. So now as I work through the assignments in the module I am coming to a conclusion that I don’t want him in my life either. Though I will honor my word and get him through the first round of surgeries, I am hoping his new girlfriend will take over that job for any chemo etc.. so that I can walk away.

These are the only two men I’ve liked at all since becoming truly single two years ago, though I’ve probably gone on dates with more than 40, some dating for more than six months. The question is: what does this say about my thoughts or processes- the fact that in the assignments I’m writing both out of my life altogether? Am I picking the wrong men in the first place, rejecting them too readily, or failing to practice love? If I were coming from a truly loving place would I let them both stay in my life in some limited capacity? It feels like in both cases I am walking away in anger, not love. But I can’t come up with an intentional model that has me staying friends or feeling anything warmer than indifference.