Feeling Beautiful

I am 47 and all my life I have struggled with deep shame and frustration over wanting to be beautiful. For a long time in my 20s I was ashamed of how deep my desire was to be beautiful, especially because of how ugly I found myself. I felt deep horrible pain every day looking in the mirror. I started to dig myself out of that misery by accepting that it was ok to want to be beautiful, and let myself figure out how to become prettier. I was shocked by how easy it was – I let my hair grow a few inches, lost 15 pounds, and put on lipstick and heeled boots. That’s all it took in my 20s to get constant attention from men! I had no idea. I thought I was millions of miles away from being attractive. Still, I have always been very aware of my lack of beauty compared to other women, and to feel incredible envy and desire to have what they had — especially the way they were treated. People pay attention to beautiful women, they want to be helpful, they are less defensive when beautiful women criticize them, they are more likely to put up with their flaws! I was ignored, rejected when I asked for help, attacked for offering any negative feedback, and dumped all the time, for any small reason (usually because they met someone more attractive than me). I never got married.

One of my biggest fears wrapped up in that experience was that I would think I was good looking and people would be laughing at me, the ugly person who didn’t know how ugly she was. The movie/novel Carrie is my ultimate nightmare in every way. To think you’re finally being seen, and to be set up for humiliation.

I know that this is a story, a bunch of thoughts, and desires. I do want a new story.

Some thoughts I could question:
Only beautiful women are loveable. The love beautiful women experience is different than the love ordinary looking women experience. Ugly women are unlovable.
Being ugly is the worst thing about my life. It is why I never truly experienced love or success.
I can never be beautiful at my age. It is too late, even with plastic surgery.
There is no greater pleasure than looking in the mirror and liking what you see.
There is no greater misery than people laughing at how ugly you are behind your back.

Is there is a way to THINK so one can FEEL beautiful. Is beautiful a feeling?? “I am beautiful” is a thought. I know you teach that we can think anything we want regardless of circumstance. Maybe “I love the way I look” makes more sense than trying to define what beautiful is and how to attain it.