Relationship to time

I’ve been thinking about time lately, after a really amazing coaching session with Brig a few weeks ago.  I am realizing I have a deep-seated belief that I’m wasting my time.  It shows up in all sorts of ways.  A few auxiliary thoughts are “I should be doing something else” and “I don’t know what I should be doing”.  It also shows up in the way I view the trajectory of my life.  I often feel like I’m not taking myself where I want to go, because I don’t know what I want (thought).  I compare myself to my partner who, bless his heart, is the kind of person whom thought work comes naturally to, and in my mind he’s setting himself up to be very successful in his areas of interest.  Meanwhile I feel lacking in enthusiasm and inspiration consistently – which I think comes back to these thoughts about not knowing how I “should” or want to direct my time.  I can recognize that there’s no right way to spend my time; it’s all up to me.  But yeah I guess I’m struggling with what I want.

It even shows up in how I approach Scholars.  I came to work on money, which led me to dig into purpose, which I see as tied to joy, which is leading me to look at how I relate to time. And I feel like I’m not constraining and accomplishing what I want (which I hardly feel like I know) because digging into one issue brings up all these others.  I’ve been in Scholars since January and this seems to be my pattern.  Help?