Relationship with ex

When my ex-husband criticizes me for not being perfect with the kids, telling me to do this and this and be better, that I have a problem we need to correct, etc., I think he’s a control freak and that he has a manual for me (feeling angry).

But I also think that he might be right (feeling shame), and then I want to do what he says not because I believe that is how I want to show up right now, but just so he stops insisting/harassing me and that I don’t feel shame and anger

I would like to think that what he thinks and feels is his own, and I would like to be able to ask myself what is really important to him behind his words and *choose* if I want to do anything about it.

When I choose not to, I would like to be able to tell him to fuck off (or in a way that comes from love, that I can do what I think is the best for my kids without him micromanaging everything I do). I think that what prevents me from doing that, is the belief that it will bring discord in the relationship and that it will affect the kids negatively, which is already happening anyway because my feelings of shame and anger obviously affect the way I show up for them.

I would like to have a plan for when these situations arise, so I can process the emotion, not react to it, and show up the way I want to in this relationship.