Coach: Keep in mind that the circumstance in your model must be completely neutral – exact words or other facts. Observe that you put a feeling in your C line. What was happening exactly when you were thinking those thoughts? Or what were you thinking that made you feel disappointed?
C I speak about this topic at lunch
T he doesn’t care
A ruminate, say to him “you don’t even care, I thought this would be interesting to you”, judge him
R I create a relationship I don’t like
Coach: Thoughts starting with “I am not able to” or “I will never be able to” will block you from creating the result that you want. A loving relationships starts in your mind. How could you think about your husband, no matter what he does or does not do, that will create a feeling of love?
Scholar: I can created the feeling “pleased” with those thoughts:
This is nice to have a man in the house.
He smells good.
He is nice.
He is very rational.
I’ve got security.
We get along well.
We are a couple.
I can create the feeling of love with this thought: “I look at our family life and everything is fine.”
Coach: How do you want to show up in your relationship with your husband?
Scholar: I want to be nice, respectful and open.
Coach: Which thought could you practise ahead of time next time you notice your brain going back to “I will never be able to..” to generate love?
Scholar: I could practise “I’m a stable person” and “I’m offering a stable environment for my daughter to grow up”. So I feel peace.
I could think about my daughter and feel love.
Coach: Remember life is 50/50 and it is ok to feel all the feelings, nothing has gone wrong and there is no right or wrong way to self coach.
How could you have more compassion for yourself no matter what you are feeling?
Scholar: I could think “It’s ok to feel all the feelings.”
Coach: How could compassion serve you in the way you want to show up with your husband?
Scholar: I would not feel desperate and I would make more progress by keeping working on it.