Sorry it’s PG again, I did a thought download on why I think I’m not lovable as I’m being an emotional child this week. The guy/my PT is still calling me daily and messaging me after I told him about my past and abuse. If I don’t hear from him for a while I start feeling anxious and I get worried that he’s not into me or he only chats to me cause I’ve sent a message and pities me or feels sorry for me. He still phones me but I started to feel negatively and look for evidence that things aren’t going well as the calls are shorter. But on the other hand they are more frequent as in every day for the last 3 days and he always calls me so I don’t know if I’m just programmed to look at things negatively. He hasn’t said he likes me and I need help to be ok with him not liking me but me being able to still like him or even love him. He’s the only guy apart from work colleagues, who is in my life other than my dad, I’ve trained with him for 3 years now, but I feel in the last month since I started SCS (I think it’s a reflection on the work I’ve been doing on myself and your help so thanks) I’ve got to really know him and know the real him as he has a gym persona as he is working then. I’ve liked him for a while but always n very had the courage or felt like there was no point in trying to pursue it, I used to think he was a player and couldn’t be trusted in the past but I started to see a different side to him since March this year and I went with my gut instead of my head and told him everything. It has changed our dynamics and relationship, I feel like I don’t know where I stand and what I am to him now. Are we friends or more? Sometimes I think he’s into me but just being careful cause I only told him a week ago and he knows I’ve never been in a relationship, but sometimes I think maybe we are just friends and I’m getting it wrong or he’s just playing a game with me as he knows I’m into him. When I think he doesn’t feel the same way, I start overeating or buffering with food then, before in the past I used to overeat already but when he was messaging me and talking to me initially I had thoughts like maybe I am lovable, a guy could like me despite what happened to me, I’m not too much, I don’t have too much baggage, he actually likes me, he thinks I’m funny and worth his time and my desire to overeat wasn’t there at all as I had thoughts that made me feel better. One of my work friends said it was like I was drunk at the start of the week as I was soo happy and walking around with the biggest smile. I know it’s my thoughts and not him that made me feel better. When I chat to him now I feel pressure cause I want to be interesting and not boring so he replies or calls me. In my thought download about why I think I’m not lovable these thoughts came up for me – there’s something wrong with me, I’m weird, I’m nothing special, I’m good enough or interesting enough, my life is boring and empty, I’ve got nothing interesting to say or tell them, I’m not pretty enough, they could do better than me, he must just pity me, I need to stop being a burden on him and reaching out to him, he’s not into me that way, there’s no way he could be, why would he be, if he is why hasn’t he said something yet I gave him a chance and hinted but he’s not asked me out.
I need help learning to love myself still Brooke and I don’t want to feel like I need to protect myself from the chance he doesn’t like me, I want to love myself and like him without it making me feel bad and it being ok for those feelings not to be reciprocated. I’m looking forward to your insight as usual
Ps I’m not being able to sleep well so this is maybe affecting my eating too, I tried to do thought downloads before going to sleep but I’m struggling with models that serve me in this situation as I’m not sure whether to go for a result of him not liking me and it being ok or one where I get closer to him as that’s the result I really want. I wake up during the night and can’t go back to sleep, my mind seems to be on overdrive and full of thoughts of doubt, worry and fear. I’m scared he will go away and leave me cause it’s been a week, maybe he’s slowly detaching himself from me hence why we don’t talk for as long but maybe it’s just me and my habit of looking for the bad things as it’s a good thing he is still calling, I never ask him to call, he always does it himself and we do always talk for nearly 25 mins a day now and chat on instant messenger too