Resistant to making food decisions due to past eating disorder

I want to get fit and healthy as an impossible goal. I have bodyweight, measurement, strength and enthusiasm markers to tell me I’m there. However when it comes to the food part, I get very nervous. In the past I have gotten into food protocols that cut out certain foods and were “healing” in nature and wound up with an eating disorder after continuing to cut out food groups and calories. It was a snowball effect and I needed nutritional supplementation and months of rest due to malnutrition. I went through “diet recovery” and ate a lot of food to regain my hunger signals and first gained, then lost quite a bit of weight, settling back down to a certain “normal” number, putting me at a relatively “healthy” weight. However, I do have a bit of extra fat and some very untoned muscles. I don’t think my targets are unhealthy, but I’m afraid that when planning food, I’ll fall back into the habit of restriction, cutting, fasting too much, etc.

I want to feel energized and strong, not weak and famished like I did before the last time I was on a fitness journey. I see many examples of it being possible. I hesitate to implement anything like “no sugar, no flour” or macro counting because it might trigger my orthorexic/anorexic tendencies. It’s the biggest obstacle I see to my impossible goal that I might not be able to model my way out of.

I’m thinking to focus mostly on the fitness part and try to eat intuitively, but I’m also afraid I’m going to eat too much sugar or not enough fat and protein that way and not have enough fuel to sustain daily workouts while packing on pounds of comfort eating.

I watched all the videos in stop overeating and started on the masterclass, but stopped because I was noticing I was beginning to get rigid, cruel to myself, was being very strict around fasting and lost touch with hunger signals again.

I think the weight I’m at would probably be reasonable if I was fit, but I’m not. My body fat percentage is a good 5% higher than I want it and my waist is kind of round, plus I am noticing blood sugar spikes if I do eat less filling foods and the desire to eat more. Probably due to the hormones. Eating mostly meat, eggs and veggies seems like a good idea, but then fear kicks in and bread happens and it feels good. I’m not gaining weight, I’m just not feeling terribly nourished or energized.