Rest, Kids and Love

So, I am solo parenting this month. I knew I would get into my groove, and have great times with my two littles.
But, what I am over the moon about is how much Love I am experiencing.
It is making me really understand that it is totally in my court whether this parenting experience is one that has me thinking thoughts that lead to Love or thoughts that lead to drained and depleted. I really get that.

The freedom is very cool, and the compassion for when I am feeling drained is also a nice and very welcome surprise.
I am having felt sense of this 50/50. It is cool.

Which is leading me to a funny sort of anticipation for when my partner returns.
And how this feeling could go away when I need to integrate two parenting styles.

Logically, I can see the thought error in what I just typed above.
Even as I type it I can feel the draining of my power and essentially giving my power to a set of thoughts about circumstances that haven’t even happened.

(Which, says a part of my brain, “isn’t that so cool that I can create a power draining experience, which MEANS I can create something very different… like a very powerful experience.)

As I piggy backing on this Love thing I’ve got going with my kids, the thought download that arises are a bunch of questions.

Can I be that vulnerable?
Can I be that receptive?
Can I be that connected to and articulate with my boundaries?

To which I answer:
* I am scared to be that vulnerable.
* I can trust myself to be receptive
* I am not sure about the boundaries question but I think it has something to do with trust and clarity.

There is also, I am realizing, a Manual I have about my partner, that how he behaves will then have me think thoughts….
Yes, I see the thought error, but I as I sit with it, I can’t seem to chisel away at it.
I keep ending back at: “well we’ll see what happens when he comes home.”

It is a very different experience compared to the week before he left, which my anticipatory thoughts how this was going to rock and I was very confident.

So it really seems that this anticipatory piece is where I need to sit and explore.

What do you see here that could be helpful?

Thank you.