Result of model

I am needing some clarification about a result of my model. I have a few ideas but having trouble seeing if these are the result of this particular model, or of something else. This is a new model that came up yesterday, so I don’t have a ton of awareness around it YET. 🙂

C – boyfriend
T – He won’t wanna marry me if I do something to trigger him (or make him mad).
F – fearful (also considered cautious, apprehensive, nervous, tense, unsettled, but these didn’t feel strong enough for what I was feeling in my body)

A – constantly filter everything I do and say
A – don’t show up relaxed and easygoing
A – on high alert 24/7
A – I don’t openly share myself (thoughts, feelings, what happened that day, small details of my life, etc)
A – especially avoid topics that are likely to trigger him
A – hide my weaknesses/get defensive/always have my guard up/don’t lean into vulnerability?

R – I make myself mad (feeling?)
R – I block myself from connecting with him
R – I don’t allow him to know me on a deep level
R – I don’t show up in an authentic way/Not showing up as myself
R – I attempt and fail to people please him because ultimately I have no control of his models anyway
R – I don’t allow myself to be the cool, calm, and collected person I want to show up as

I recognize I have a lot going on here. I’d love some insight on where to take this next. Thanks!