Self coaching 101 Page 32:
Example was a friend who doesn’t show up on time, and first model was she doesn’t respect me, etc
New model was she must be busy and I won’t take it personally.
My question here is:
What about boundaries and respect? Wouldn’t changing this thought cause you to be the doormat if this was a continual experience with this friend?
I can see if they were late once or twice, and really did get stuck in traffic. It’s part of loving and being understanding.
But for example, my sister who is rarely on time. I’ve expressed how her being late makes me feel and that I would appreciate it if she could be on time. She still is late 95% of the time.
In other things with her as well I’ve expressed my wishes.
Example, she stayed at my house to cat sit for me, as I had to go away for a funeral. The morning I was set to come home I texted her the time and told her how when I got home I had to do laundry and get things settled before the work week as I had been gone for 4 days. She agreed she’d be ready to leave and go home at X time. On the drive home I called her to reiterate that I was coming home at X time and she said ok. I confirmed it like 2-3 times on the call.
When I got home at the time I told her I’d be home (2p), she was still getting ready from her shower and had a load of her own clothes to wash in my washer with 25 minutes to go on the cycle! (I had allowed her to use my washer while she was there as her washer is broken for years now… She had 4 days to do it and waited til last minute). When I expressed how upset this made me because she agreed to be ready to leave when I got home she claims she didn’t remember the time or thought it was later, or even sweared on our mothers memory she was mistaken (even after agreeing in text and verbally 3 times!).
This triggered me! I tried to be understanding but to me this was blatant disrespect to my wishes. I had told her why it was so important for her to be ready to go home at certain time and she said she understood. Yet she did it anyways. Then continued to go on Twitter as I was waiting for her to go. I think she was trying to push my buttons there.
I did tell her tho that I will be changing my behavior going forward, that I appreciate her checking on my cat, but going forward I won’t be allowing her to stay over my house or use my washing machine. She only lives 5 minutes away, if she is willing to check on my cat as a favor than I would appreciate it, but if she can’t stay true to our agreements then I’m going to remove that situation from my life. And possibly find someone else to check on my cat. She always expects things in return, never can do a favor without immediately saying, if I do this for you, what can you do for me. I like to do things for people out of my own free will, not when it’s expected.
How do you know when to remove the person and situation from your life as opposed to having to take the high road all the time and feel like a door mat from blatant disrespect?
I tried so hard not to allow my thoughts/feelings about being disrespected by her not being ready when agreed upon to be upsetting to me. It’s so hard grained in me with her.
If it were my other two sisters it would not have upset me, but we also respect each others wishes and agreements. This sister does not. My other sisters would be ready 80% of the time and because I know the other 20% is happenstance I lovingly let it go.
I hear you say, just love her as she is. Which I want to, but I also don’t want to be taken advantage of either.
It just came to me that in order for me to love her as she is, I need to put parameters around when I see her. If it’s at my other sisters house and she is there, her being late doesn’t bother me. Only when it’s us doing things together or her not staying true to her word.
(Side note: The entire time my mom was ill in the last 4 years, I would ask my sister for help. She would agree and I’d say 60-75% of the time she didn’t keep her word). She would either show up much later than she said, or not at all. She is depressed and sleeps a lot.
Gosh after reading all this it is pretty clear to me that the issue is not my sister (well it is in a way), that the issue is with me recognizing this is who she is and I have to accept that. The turnaround her will be me putting up good boundaries here. So knowing she is always going to be late, if we make plans I will stay true to my word that if she is late or doesn’t show up, plans are cancelled. (which I did tell her two times ago before the recent staying at my house example).
And not putting myself in a situation where I know she will not keep her word.
I am finding myself just not wanting to make plans with her or be around her, because of her depressive nature and victim mentality. I love her dearly but I’m not sure I want to try anymore. I need to determine in what aspect I want her in my life.
Am I on the right track here?