Self Sabotaging Behavior? Why?

Hi Brook,

My Supervisor came on site to my office for a QA visit. Normally we have a very nice visit and she is always happy with my performance. This visit was different. I felt that she was being a little “nit picky”. Pointing out mistakes. Not in a bad way but not her normal usual way. I was annoyed after she left so I did a thought download and a unintentional and intentional model.

C – QA visit looking at my medical cart/Comment – How long have you been a school nurse?
T – She thinks I should be more organized by now.
F- Insecure
R – Get angry and indulge in the thought

C – QA visit/Comment “How long have you been a school nurse?”
T – She is just trying to help.
F – Grateful
A – Follow up with suggestions
R – Become better at my job. There is always room for improvement

I do believe in the Intentional model. I also believe in my unintentional thought but it doesn’t serve me. I could be more organized so what! I know I’m a good nurse.! The students love me and my office is a happy fun place for them. That is our first and foremost priority and I take pride in it and add value. However, if I’m being set up for not getting an increase, I will explain exactly how much “value” I add to the school. But what did I proceed to do last night? I came home. Took the dog for a walk. Listened to your podcast on “coaching”, loved it and then came home and proceeded to drink a full bottle of wine! … and then some. Yep. I didn’t resist. I planned it quite carefully and strategically in my mind. However, I didn’t plan the amount. My drinking plan called for 2 beers (again, didn’t write it down and commit… it was in my mind). While drinking my thinking got further distorted and I my mind started racing. Feeling negative and angry. Negative thoughts about my supervisor. “She thinks she’s better because she is married to a doctor”, “she really can’t do anything wrong because her husband see’s most of our students, etc.
stupid irrational thoughts. I became really sensitive.

My impossible goal is to become a coach and double my income by December 31, 2018. One of my epic attempts but fail for the quarter is to reduce my alcohol intake to 2 glasses of wine Friday and Saturday night only. I joined SCS in October and have made tremendous changes in my lifestyle. I’ve reduced my alcohol intake drastically and I’m close to filling out my 100 allowed urges. My ultimate goal is to pursue coaching specifically working with 50 plus women who over drink (possibly, I’m still in the process of thinking about my niche.) I do not have any desire to stop working as I get older. The reason I made it an “impossible goal” is because I feel that I will need more time (than a year) to improve on myself and apply the coaching to others. I’ve been listening a lot to your podcasts on adding value and bringing value into my work and I’m not the type of person that wants to not work as I get older. In order for me to bring value to anything I pursue in the future whether it be coaching or something else, I NEED to be successful in the stop over drinking plan. After all, how can I coach others if the plan didn’t work for me?? Did I subconsciously make an epic fail? I feel like I have tendencies to indulge in bad behavior because it’s a bad habit I’ve been doing for most of my life. I feel like I’m always trying to find conflict in my life and wanting to be always angry about “something”. For example, now that I’ve resolved my conflict with my sisters and mother (through your help), I’ve decided to look for conflict somewhere else… i.e., work. My siblings and I had a very unstable, volatile childhood. Was I buffering? While continuing to drink, I kept thinking to myself I need to stop and begin reading “The Practicing Mind”. A suggested book on your website. But of course I didn’t even start. This morning I woke up feeling awful both mentally and physically. Beating myself up. I rehearsed the learn and move on in my head on my way to work. I tried to allow the feeling of “being angry with myself”. I acknowledged my mistake and slowly started to feel better. My winter break is coming soon. The kids will be out of school and we will be having a quiet restful Christmas together. How do I stop self sabotaging myself? More practicing, more coaching, more models, less buffering? I need to stop this vicious cycle. Also, my husband has rather reluctantly agreed with the monthly cost of the SCS program (as long as it’s working). He would have been very disappointed in me had he been home last night. Any thoughts? Thanks for all your help.