I asked a person who is junior to me at work a personal question which was intrusive. She was able to let me know kindly that she was uncomfortable, I apologized and we’ve kept in contact. I’ve been doing more training and reading about microagressions and, while I knew before what I said was a microagression, it feels even more clear to me now many months later. I’m re-experiencing the shame and I want to move on.
C I asked a question
T That was totally inappropriate. I offended her.
F Shame
A Ruminate, buffer on phone, become distracted by rumination, and withdraw from family
R I don’t move past this event

Intentional model
C I asked a question
T It’s possible that I can still be a good teacher/person even though I said this thing
A Don’t ruminate, don’t buffer, continue learning
F Neutral
R I feel ok about putting this in my past

The intentional model doesn’t feel right. I think this is really about self-forgiveness but I just can’t seem to shift away from beating myself up.