I am in a two year relationship, and it has split me open these last few weeks – vulnerability wise.
My BF who was sober when we fell in love, started drinking 4 months ago, quit his job, started his own business, went to work as a subcontractor through my company, and was increasingly drinking more due to the stress of us moving to a newer more expensive neighborhood. His drinking got ahold of him, and our relationship started to fall apart. We had some issues prior to the drinking, which of course were magnified. We started related to each other in a very childish way. I felt angry and resentful all the time. I am embarassed and ashamed of how I have been these last few months, and I feel that I drove the relationship in this direction because I struggle with my own happiness, and once he started withdrawing and not coming home until 6am I was unable to find my peace. This last weekend it came to a head with me hearing him tell his dad he cheated on me, and basically ignore me at a wedding we were at and got drunk. I am currently oscillating between a place of total panic, and a place of relative peace that I will be ok if it ends. He is currently at his dads house recovering because it got so bad that it might have been a life or death situation. He wants to wait to discuss whether or not we should stay together because its a really unstable moment for him trying to get sober after a 2 week bender. I feel totally powerless, alone, furious with myself for not getting ahold of my behavior, and scared. I feel sick with fear and dread. I am doing models, and seeking help in support groups. But I am punishing myself for driving away the first man I feel I ever truly loved and was connected to. I see that that thought of course could only lead to panic…
I also am always going toward the victim mentality and I really really want to stop and I can’t seem to shake it. Any insight you can provide me would be really appreciated!!! THANK YOU