I’ve been indulging in loneliness since I got home from work today. I started thinking about how I invited my parents (who live in MI) to come visit me in NJ the weekend that I’m getting an award at a professional awards Gala in September and they declined because they’re leaving for a trip 2 weeks later & don’t want to risk getting COVID at a large event.

I started thinking about how “nobody wants to visit me” and was indulging in that until my Mom called tonight and said they’ve changed their minds and they’re going to come to the event. She started asking questions about my schedule for the week of the gala, what I’d be doing the day of the event and I suddenly got rude and snappy about how I had a lot of things to do that day. She asked more questions and I kept being rude and said “I don’t know how many times I have to explain this to you.” I don’t even know where all of that came from. I told her I was sorry and that I was feeling very lonely. She said it was ok and asked if I really still wanted them to visit. I told her that I definitely wanted them to visit.

How can I be indulging in loneliness and then get upset when someone wants to visit me?

I kept downloading and realized that I have fear that something bad will happen to them while they’re here. My Mom had some serious health challenges from 2019-20 and my Dad just had a serious health scare where he was misdiagnosed, almost died of a serious infection and had emergency surgery. He’s finally recovered and they’re both doing well, but my best friend’s Mom, who is younger than them, just died suddenly a few weeks ago. So, I’m really experiencing this irrational fear that they’ll come here and something will happen to them.

C: Parents traveling to NJ in September
T: I’m scared something will happen to them while they’re here
F: Fear
A: React rudely to my Mom saying she is coming to visit. Snap at her when she asks questions about my day. Catastrophizing hard: Worry about them at the airport. Worry about all the details of them walking up the steep steps to my apartment, worry about them having everything they need here. Worrying about the hour car ride to the gala. Worry about them walking too far and needing to rest but there being nowhere to sit. Worrying about them getting sick at the event.
R: I am creating fear but only because of my thought.

I guess I need help on the R line and some coaching on this irrational fear, or perhaps anything that you may see in my download that I may be missing.