Spinning – lp

The reason I signed up for scholars in September is because of how bad I feel about my job. Since signing up, I haven’t really focused on doing the work around my job. I’ve been trying to escape it by trying to create a business or figure out another kind of job I want to do. I am seeing now how I believe the job is the problem. And I’m seeing how committed I am to creating this experience of it being this way. I know that I’m not being a good employee and I feel so bad about it. And I see how that’s a self-fulfilling cycle. I think that I don’t have the skills for this job and I also don’t pursue learning them because I feel so bad. I say yes to projects I don’t want to do because I want the approval from my boss and then I procrastinate doing it because I think I can’t do it and then I feel worse. And to say no to the projects would mean risking approval. Which I’m sure I don’t have anyway because I’m not even doing the work. I feel so exhausted and overwhelmed and confused all the time. While working, my mind is generating all these different thoughts at the same time which creates confusion and then I take a bunch of action towards a bunch of different tasks and then I get confused about where I am at. I doubt every single thing I do. I quadruple check everything because I’m afraid of making a mistake and of course I end up making mistakes because that’s how it works. I’m so tired of living like this. I know that I’m blocking myself from creating the life I want. Does this all get easier?