So, today I decided to make a meal plan for the month that I know is a) healthy and nourishing and b) will result in SOME weight loss. I’m not sure how much, but I’m pretty confident that if I stick to it for a month that I will lose some amount of weight. Maybe 5lbs.

My plan is to not weigh myself for the month. Currently the scale is too triggering, and I don’t yet believe the thoughts that “the scale is neutral”. I simply cannot wrap my mind around it, and I’m a slave to the scale, but I am a human and have the ability to choose to just not use the scale. That feels like the most loving thing to do for myself right now. I think I’d be open to working with my mindset regarding the scale at a later time

I noticed that when I believe “all I have to do is follow my plan and I’ll hit my goal weight” I feel amazing. I feel like it’s “in the mail”, I’m on my way to receiving it. No questions asked – just follow the plan. Just actually do the meal prep as a gift to my future self, and I can trust that if I do the things the weight will come off. It’s “as good as done”. These thoughts make me feel confident, which makes me do the meal prep, which makes me stick to the food plan, which results in goal weight attained.

Another thought I love is “this is the price of my goal weight”. When I really believe that my goal weight will come as a result of my actions, I CAN make the in the moment sacrifice. No problem.

I’m still a slave to the scale, yes it’s true. It’s definitely true. But, I can allow myself to build some more trust for myself before re-introducing that misery machine back into the equation. I have enough self-criticism going on, I can’t handle yet another blow.

Anyway.

Where I’m at today is that I’m noticing that I believe that when I lose the weight, I’ll be happier. I understand that circumstances don’t create my feelings.

But I have no idea how to feel happier now. I believe such terrible thoughts about myself, the passage of time, my value, my worth, etc….and I’ve placed ALL this pressure on myself to ‘lose the weight and then I’ll be happy!’ To be honest, I think it’s why I haven’t been able to lose the weight – there’s so much pressure and no compassion.

I don’t know how to be happy right now. I’m simply NOT happy right now. I haven’t been happy for years, and to be honest I’m feeling pretty hopeless most of the time. I have a therapist and multiple coaches and I’ve read every book. I’m concerned that when I step on the scale and see my goal weight, I’ll be happy for 25 seconds, and then I’ll be right back in the same place. Right now, thinking ‘I’ll be happy when I lose the weight’ gives me hope, and I’m really afraid of what I’ll feel like if I actually have no hope.

C
T “I’ll be happy when I hit my goal weight”
F Hopeful
A Continue to try to hit goal weight
R I have no idea…..

I’m actually pretty confused by this model, because it DOES seem kind of clear to me that this is the accurate thought and feeling. But, how could this be sabotaging my weight loss efforts?