Thank you for answering our questions.
I am not really sure how to parlay this into a question, but, will try. Over several years of self study and trying to learn more about myself and why I do the things I do and behave in the ways I do sometimes, needless to say, a lot of *stuff* has come up. Even moreso since I’ve been listening to your podcast and since being in SCS. One thing in particular has been glaring, and I’m not exactly sure how to address it. It seems that I have a very disturbing pattern of thinking that I am worthless. It’s so unconscious and so ingrained that if I hadn’t been doing work on myself in all the ways I do, and shining a light on it, I don’t even think I would have been able to notice the correlation between it and so many of the things that have happened over the years. Even little things that I think and do daily seem to stem from this.
I can trace it back and have been able to find a lot of the root cause, but, I’m not sure that matters much . I’m not exactly sure if this is a ‘thought’ or where it would go in the model, nor do I really know how to address it. It literally feels like part of my DNA.
I guess one thought is, what are thoughts, exactly? Do they present at various levels? Meaning the thought that I am sitting here in front of my computer tying a question to you seems really ‘surface’. And, very easy to toss into the model. But, thoughts that are super ingrained and unconscious, mindless, almost… well, I’m not sure if those are as easy to just put into the model and pop a solution out in 3 minutes. It feels like, ever since I’ve become aware of this underlying ‘thought’, I have to be hyper-diligent in order to catch how it presents in every single situation. And, even in that process, I can feel sometimes that I don’t want to mess with it, which in itself stems from feeling not worthy.
I don’t know if you can sift through this and find a question, but, I hope so, and would love your input.