Thank you for the wonderful response to my last submission about this topic. With the coaching I got here, I realized that there were a bunch of other Ts I had about the guy I have been on a few dates with that I thought were empowering, but actually led to a feeling that was really un-loving to myself or to him and that fuelled the “rage” about him not replying (/not replying “quick enough”) that I described in the earlier post.

The model (unintentional) goes something like this:
C: dating
T: He is lucky I am giving him the time of day/i am a catch
F: entitled OR if he did anything I could interpret as not reflect me being a catch: rage
A: see the time he puts into planning dates as what I am owed, I show up late, I reply slowly, I let him ask me out every time and don’t make the effort to ask him out, I speak about myself too much/am a bit self-involved on dates. I like him and think he is great and yet act as if I am a gift and do not recognize that he is giving his time is also a gift. I stop myself from feeling gratitude or excitement because his attention is something I feel entitled to/”owed” when it is not at all something I am owed. His attention (over text or in date form) can only be given and I am not enjoying the texts or dates fully because I am twisting them into meaning things about me.
R: I do not feel lucky to get to hang out with him and I treat him as if he were not a person deserving respect but just as a vehicle to feel okay about myself/confirm I am a catch.

So basically the new model and action I took is:
C: dating this guy
T: I like him and would like to get to know him better
F: lightness
A: text him asking him out. Decide beforehand that his response time/response at all does not mean anything about my worth. Decide to spend the day away from my phone as a gift to myself to focus on my work. I plan intentional Ts for if he has not replied/said no to the date when I am back at the phone and check my texts. I stop trying to protect myself with unkind thoughts (about my being hotter/ more of a catch etc than him) and just allow myself to be interested, and open myself to being rejected because I know fundamentally I am okay and his Ts and Fs do not mean anything about my worth.
R: I feel the good of liking him, independent of his actions, and I like myself more