I wax my legs, I always have. There is a time every 6 weeks where my legs have long hair on them. Having hair on my legs has always produced negative feelings that I have lived with and accepted as part of the waxing/being human process.
C: Hair on my legs
T: that is so ugly
F: mild disgust
A: cover up with clothes that I would rather not wear (like jeans on a hot day), avoid dresses, procrastinate on waxing because I don’t have time, don’t swim with my kids in front of our friends, judge myself
R: produce feelings of disgust
Recently I’ve noticed this nasty self talk and I don’t want to speak to myself like that anymore. It’s as though I’ve always known it was there but never shone a light on it. Now I have focused on it and shone a light there and I’m not quite sure what to do with it. The disgust intensifies with the focusing on it.
I thought I loved myself, but the things that I say about my legs are not loving. I don’t have to be so hard on my hairy legs, I can even get permanent hair removal – which I think I will, but this will not solve for the underlying judgement. Currently I think I need to live with the mild disgust, it’s there. I do believe that legs without hair are more attractive and so the problem comes when I try to cover them up when I go out, or avoid wearing dresses – I like them better smooth and hairless and I don’t want to be seen/judged by others. I often just push these feelings to the side and go out with hairy legs and “don’t care”. But the underlying judgement of myself is there in the shadows of my mind.
The issue isn’t the hairy legs – its that I accept the horrible judgement of myself and live with it and try not to let it limit my actions. I know its not about the hairy legs, because it’s also present with the number on the scale or if I skip the gym or when I notice the shape that my tummy makes in clothes. I’ve always accepted that this sort of dissatisfaction/disgust is part of being human. Is it even possible to live without this judgement? I’ve allowed it to be in the shadows – how do I clear it out? Or do I have to accept that it is part of the furniture of my mind? It’s been there so long I don’t even know how to pick at it to loosen it.