Last night I signed up for scholars after months of doubts. This morning I’ve sent this following mail to Kim, she suggested to post it here. It’s a bit long.
I’m scared! Scared because I’m afraid I might fail. And ashamed about thinking this thought! Scared because summer 2016 I joined an online group coaching trajectory with a coach certified by Brooke. It was her first online group, she was and is amazing, but after it stopped I didn’t have the results I had wanted. I blame myself I didn’t ask enough feedback, didn’t use all options I had during these months. I understood the concept but now, in hindsight, I didn’t apply all of the material, and lacked the compassion for myself. Now I’m thinking; ‘It’s now or never’, and that feels as a lot of pressure.
I’m 51 years old, a former(?) journalist, painter, artist(?), spouse, mother of a 11 years old son. Dutch, but living in the countryside of Catalonia (North-East of Spain). My husband earns our family income. From the outside I live a happy comfortable life. But inside; I feel pain, I’m suffering. And I’m aware that’s unnecessary, optional, but I seem not te be able to change that (alone).
I love sports, exercise almost every day, have a BMI of 21, never have been overweight, but do have overeat-moments that really devastate me at times (they make me feel depressed, out of control, a failure, etc..). I’ve also experienced months and years that I ‘had nothing with food’, I just ate when hungry. But since about 2 years ‘it’ is back. And it’s back because I do not feel a purpose in my life. I’m speaking about my career/work.
Therefor, the current reason to join is: That I Don’t Know what to do, work wise!
I know what you say about ‘not knowing’! But(!) I really don’t know what to do or even where to start. Back to journalism, but my Catalan is not good enough! Start filming? Have more expositions and try to sell my art-work? I feel overwhelmed and I’m aware of the definition you use for this word.
I’m constantly going between the thought of ‘I should be happy with the life I have, look at how other people in the world suffer’, feeling guilty about not feeling content, and beating myself up because I should by now be active pursuing my dream job (what?). And since I’m not doing that, feeling guilty about my apathy. Going between hope and desperation and feeling guilty for it.
In the meantime, I feel like I’m going through the motions. My life is passing by. Our big house is clean and organised, the garden looks great, every day I cook healthy meals for the family plus 2 kids at my sons school, I paint, I sport, I entertain relatives that come to visit us (since we live abroad it means longer visits), I’m active at school, I paint with kids (for free) and so on. But… I often (much more than 50%!) feel unsatisfied. Some moments it shows in overeating or over-whatever. And also in crying alone in my car.
As a healthy woman, with 2 degrees in her pocket, a lovely son and awesome husband, I ‘should’ be happy…
So why do I write this to you? Because you might give me a suggestion for a thought that can help me to start October 1st with more confidence with this new adventure!! Or suggest a question that I should ask myself.