Yesterday, in typical communication fashion, I got a slew of texts and audios from my mom. At the end of the work day, I logged into my phone and read/listened to them. I immediately got very upset – tears, flushed face, tight chest, knotted stomach, constricted throat. I started to write back a very snarky response when I stopped and did a thought download. My TDL was really just a combination of “My mom is so critical of me” “She’s always bossing me around” “She should be more supportive”

Ironically enough, as I wrote down my thoughts I got angrier – I really was buying into my story. So I stopped and decided to describe how I was actually feeling. That helped tremendously. Then about an hour later I decided I wanted to work a model on at least one of my thoughts – “She’s always criticizing me”. So I had to write a circumstance to that text – a very factual C. Well as I wrote down the C of something she literally said (word for word), I started laughing. I thought, “Well hell that’s not a big deal she said that.” So then I decided, ok I’ll pick another thing she said. And as I wrote that down word for word, I also was like, “Well that doesn’t make me upset, I thought she was being really mean and critical, but what she said isn’t.”

Ok so, why did I get so upset when I first got the communication from her, but later could see just how benign and neutral the circumstances really were? Is is because I am not actually responding to what she is saying but who I have judged her to be (a critical, unsupportive mother)?

I’m including my UIM and IM. What do I do next?

UIM
C: Mom says, “You should have put together the playhouse by now.”
T: My mom is always criticizing me.
F: Upset
A: Respond with, “Did your mother harp on you like this when you were my age?”
R: I’m always criticizing my mom.

IM
C: Mom says, “You should have put together the playhouse by now.”
T: That’s my mom offering up some advice.
F: Open
A: Take it or Leave it or Consider it
R: I make a decision from an offering of different choices and perspectives.

Thank you!