Thoughts about a guy

I dated a married man for 6 years. His wife knew and we were all comfortable with the situation. Over the years I developed strong feelings for him, and I think he did for me too (based on what he told me, although his actions would suggest otherwise). Late last year I was going through a lot. My younger sister’s husband was diagnosed with cancer and he almost died (this is what the doctors said). My husband died of cancer when I was 30 and all of my unresolved grief about my husband passing resurfaced when I heard the news about my brother-in-law.

The guy I was dating always said throughout our relationship that he’d never leave me and that we’d be in each other’s lives forever.

Throughout our relationship, he always talked about himself and stuff going on in his life, sometimes it felt like I was a sounding board for him! And late last year when I said I needed a friend because of everything that was happening with my family and me and told him that I wasn’t okay. He simply said “ah gotcha” and pivoted the conversation back to him! Unlike other times, I told him that this is not the kind of friendship I’d want from any of my friends, let alone someone who I love and sleep with, because friendship is a two way street, you give a little and you take a little. And that I needed a break from him. He walked away and I never heard from him again.

I am happy I don’t have to put up with listening to his dribble all the time and I have so much more freedom in my life (he isn’t always calling, texting, expecting me to be available). I am happy that I’ve been able to know what I want and honor the boundaries I’ve put in place. Overall not having him in my life as much works for me.

What I’m struggling with is why was it so easy for him to walk away, especially after he continually said for 6 years “I’ll never leave, you and I will always be in each other’s lives.” It also bothers me that I think about him all the time and wonder what he is up to.

I know I don’t want a sexual relationship with him anymore but my brain can’t stop thinking about what a wonderful life him and his wife must be having and how I probably didn’t matter and that I was only there to serve a purpose. I also saw on FB recently they are renewing their vows and she is gushing about what a great husband he is. I don’t get this either because he has never been faithful to her for any part of their marriage. Before me there were many others and I’m sure there will be many more. It all just seems so fake.

If I’m happy with not having him in my life then why do I care what he is up to? It’s driving me mad the amount of time I think “wonder what he is up to” …