Thoughts about Husband

I’ve been running into this thought over and over about my husband. Of course, I’m finding evidence for it consistently (and have been doing this for years). I always think that he’s lazy because he tends to do the “easy” or “least effort” approach to what seems like anything (I know it’s my thought). I compare his actions to mine and I know I’m a perfectionist because I always want to do things “the best” and it hasn’t served me.

I thought I was following my son’s pediatrician advice properly to use non-fluoride toothpaste because of potential stomach issues it could cause, and that I didn’t need to see a dentist for him until he was little older, per her advice when I asked. When I switched pediatricians for other reasons, the new one said to start seeing a dentist. I didn’t schedule the appointment because the pandemic had just started and I was confident we were brushing his teeth everyday (with non-fluoride toothpaste). I got pregnant and my husband was responsible for brushing my son’s teeth because I was not physically capable of dealing with a strong toddler and sometimes we had to play with him to brush as he didn’t love it. Fast forward one year into the pandemic and my son had a broken tooth, which led me to scramble to the dentist and find out that he had multiple cavities as well as he needed a silver cap on the broken tooth. I was in complete shock and utter disbelief because I thought I was “following the rules” and shouldn’t have been in that situation. It turns out the spacing between his teeth was tight for a toddler (not typical) and he would’ve benefited so much from flossing everyday and using fluoride toothpaste. I had no idea and everyday for the past year I’ve had resentment toward my husband because of part of me feels he’s responsible for this and he has not accepted responsibility once. He’s the one that always buys and offers my son more sweets and food that I think made the situation worse and I didn’t want to nag him all the time so I laid off thinking I was choosing my battles, as they say. He also asked me before all this happened if we actually had to brush his teeth Every Single Day ( he was raised in a poor, small town where you don’t see a dentist until you’re old enough to pay for your own), to which I answered rudely, Yes! That question of his has stuck with me.

To top it off, since my son had cavity fillings and he loves chewing ice, it caused 2 of the filled molars to break (I didn’t know about the ice chewing causing issues) and now he has 2 more silver caps. 3 total. To say that my heart is completely shattered is an understatement because I feel like I caused this by delegating to my husband during my pregnancy and not acting sooner or asking further after the ped told me seeing a dentist wasn’t necessary early on. I was too confident that we were doing all the right things. This experience has been traumatizing for my mama heart (I know it’s the thoughts I’m thinking around this) but I can’t help but feel responsible for doing this to my son as I know people will ask and assume and stare.

We have a 1 year old daughter that I’ve now been brushing her teeth everyday. I decided to delegate the task to my husband as he was willing to do the night routine for a few nights. I finally ask him if he’s been flossing her teeth and he said no. I couldn’t believe it. After everything I went through with our son that he was well aware of, why wouldn’t this be so obvious when her teeth spacing is limited just like my son’s? I told him that was why I couldn’t trust him because he’s always doing the least amount of work, taking the lazy route. Why does everything land on me and why do I have to go through these checklists. He responded (rightfully so) asking me why does it seems like he’s not good enough or that he bothers me and he tossed around my option to leave him if I wasn’t happy. We have agreed not to say divorce or separation unless we really mean it so I know it hurt him what I said. I find myself thinking that he’s lazy for so many things and I know it’s my own thought. I constantly have to run through reminders for him about so many things and this was the one thing I thought would be cemented in his mind. As I’m typing this, I know the above situation details don’t really matter. It’s my thoughts about what transpired, but it’s hard to change the narrative about not preventing my son from getting 3 silver caps, which will eventually fall but he’ll have them probably for 5 years until he’s 9/10. Of course, I’m also worried about what people will say to him and say about me as a mother.

I need help with my thoughts about my husband. Here’s my unintentional model. Please help with an intentional model or anything you can offer to help me.

C: Husband didn’t floss daughter’s teeth
T: He’s lazy
F: Angry
A: Lash out at him, complain to myself that he will never level up, argue in front of the kids, won’t speak for an hour, possibly go to bed angry and still wake up with the issue on my mind, blame him for when things go wrong, ruin the moment and not present one on one with kids, cry by myself and miss bedtime, ruminate over past events, question the stability of my relationship that we internally pride ourselves on
R: I’m not putting effort into my relationship, lazy in my relationship? (Not sure about this…)