I made a decision to stop buffering. I have gone back and forth on it since starting SCS in August and I feel like I am finally ready. My biggest fear (which I identified during a simple 10 minute coaching call with Suzy during which I cried like a baby – embarrassing) was that I would not be happy or satisfied with my life and marriage if I stopped buffering. I mean really, isn’t that why I started buffering in the first place? I have done a tremendous amount of damage to my marriage. My husband doesn’t trust me and has kept his distance emotionally for a long time (5 years). He doesn’t even know the extent of my buffering habits. So, I asked him if he would be willing to experience a deeper, more meaningful life with me ~ the good, the bad and the ugly. He basically said, not really. We are an excellent team when it comes to our family, our home and our businesses but our marriage is very superficial. I feel like we are both living a lie – I am buffering and he has closed down to protect himself. He said I have to prove myself to him. I am afraid to ask him how long will that take? Now I am giving him the silent treatment – ugh! I know it is not serving me but I just can’t wrap my head around giving up PLEASURE (albeit pleasure that comes with a LOT of net negative) to be imprisoned (yes, I am being dramatic but it feels like that) in a superficial relationship. I want to be able to talk to him, yet I can’t be honest about my own behavior. I have modeled this over and over and the intentional thought I need to have is – it is up to me to make things better. The questions I am asking myself are “How do I want to show up? Who do I want to be? and How do I want this to play out?
How do I want to show up? Faithful, honest
Who do I want to be? A good wife and mother who can hold her head up high without shame.
How do I want this to play out? I want to wave a magic wand, make all of my mistakes disappear and I want him to trust me again. I want us to care about each other. But I want him to show up too. It is not enough to raise four boys, maintain a home, work full time, have sex with him only to be with someone who acts as though he could take it (me) or leave it. Can you hear the resentment? I’ve often wondered if he would even miss me if I suddenly never came home. Of course he would miss everything I do for him and our boys but would he even care about missing me? So now I have to do all of that AND prove myself to him. This is where I am stuck.
I don’t even know what my questions is. I guess ~ Where do I go from here?