under-earning and harsh judgment of myself

I’m underearning and I’m having negative thoughts about how to earn more, based on my past.

I’m a teacher and I’ve been a very passionate and hard worker that has caused me to create an incredible reputation and has given me opportunities I never imagined possible. However, I remain underpaid for the amount of work I do. I have attained all the certificates and degrees to tap me out to the highest level of earnings for my position and I work in several after-school programs.

I tell myself all year to start a side hustle that can replace the after-school programs and make me feel less bitter about underearning. However, in the past, I have put forth so much effort into side hustles and failed. I know from SCS that this is normal, but it is still not something I “feel” I have the “energy” to do again. A thought I need to change.

I’m a month into my summer vacation and I’m upset with myself that I have not created a side hustle yet. I’ve started doing something I didn’t do very much before- comparing my life to others and feeling sick over it and like a loser for not being “enough”. On the outside, my life looks great. If I were looking at my life from an outsider’s view, I would think I have it all. But to me, it’s no longer enough because I want to make more money and work less.

I want to be a teacher by day and a business owner by night. I just don’t want to work hard at both things. I want to pour my heart and soul into teaching and everything else to be easy. If only the world worked like that!

I tell myself to brainstorm business ideas and get started this summer, to make things less demanding on myself once work starts back up. But my brain tells me I won’t find something that makes money and if I do, I won’t be good at it.

My brain tells me I’m not capable because look at how hard I have worked this far. Look at how much I’ve done and I’m still not where I want to be. I’m over 30 and making less than three figures if I don’t work those extra after-school hours- a failure in my mind.

A story I have tried to tell myself is this: You always wanted what you have today and it was so hard for you to get here. You worked harder than anyone you know. School wasn’t easy by any means and you changed your GPA in college- something that took so much effort and perseverance. You paid your way through your master’s degree, something that took budgeting and self-control. You created a savings account that allowed you to buy a house and purchase furniture for that house without going into debt. You purchased a luxury car (though an older model) out of pocket- without going into debt! You promised yourself no more debt after student loans- and you stuck to that promise and you are living a life you always dreamed of in the house you always wanted with the car you always wanted and a man who loves you unconditionally and a family that is obsessed with being around you in a school district that values your opinion and guidance. Who could want more??

And then my brain attacks me and says, well you haven’t paid off your student loans and you’re not making the amount of money you want so you don’t feel comfortable having kids yet and your life is over because you’re in your 30’s and you’re a loser because you won’t start that dang side hustle you keep telling yourself you will.

Help! My brain can be so mean and convincing! Other people are working hard and making the money they want while I’m just working hard for less pay and choosing to stay this way because of my negative thoughts!