Using the model ‘in the moment’

Hi Brooke! I’m new to scholars (1 month!), but not the podcast (maybe 6 months). I love ALL THE THINGS. Thank you for your fantastic work.

I saw a previous question about parenting, and perhaps mine is an extension of it. My question is how to effectively apply the model to parenting, or really any situation in which emotions go from 0 to 60 in a split second. My husband died about 4 months ago, and I’m very aware of my 4 year old daughter taking cues from me on managing emotions and being conscious of my thoughts about what happened and what’s happening. When we have power struggles, or she’s frustrated and I’m frustrated, and emotions run high, it isn’t until a looooong time later that I am able to reflect and identify thoughts that trigger feelings. In the moment, I am unable to identify thoughts and decide if I want to reframe them, or what I choose to feel.

Much later, I can do the model:
C – My daughter and I are fighting.
T – I’m not parenting well.
F – Frustrated, angry
A – Using punishing language
R – A poor relationship with my daughter, and her learning poor communication skills.

Here is my attempt at an alternative model:
C – My daughter and I are fighting.
T – We’re both overtired and therefore, there will be no gain in a power struggle.
F – Patient
A – Using supportive language
R – A positive relationship with my daughter, and her learning effective communication skills.

I feel like this insight I have much later still isn’t helping me in the moment when the craziness blows up again. Is it a matter simply of more practice, and ‘someday’ I will do better? Do you have suggestions or modified strategies for applying the model ‘in the moment’ when I go from C to F with lightning speed?

Thanks so much,