Victim Mentality

Hi Brooke, I’ve listened to all of your podcasts and tried to work on my own to improve my thinking but I am really struggling to get over my victim mindset in regards to my past and some things my dad did to me when I was a teenager and young adult. I decided to join SCS mainly to work on this issue so I can let go of the anxiety and fear and stop replaying those things in my head and move on with my life. I still have a relationship with my dad, although I would definitely not qualify it as healthy. I’m aware my dad is actually mentally ill. He’s seen a psychologist, been diagnosed and prescribd medication. He refuses to take it or continue treatment, and this diagnosis only came long after I was no longer living at home and dealing with him on a daily basis. I’ve done several models on the thoughts I have around this. My problem seems to be in my intentional models, I can figure out what feelings I want but not what thoughts to think in order to create those feelings and that leaves me stuck on A and R as well. So I’m hoping you can help me work through this. There are 2 main thoughts I have about this. The first, I am a victim, creates the feelings of weakness, resentment, damaged which makes me try to remove myself from any kind of relationship with my dad, and results in him trying harder to control me. The second main thought I have is, What if he tries to do those things again? Which leads me to feel fear, and inadequecy, and worry. I lose sleep, I buffer like crazy using food, alcohol, work, even spending a ridiculous amount of time with my boyfried (also working on throwing out my manual around how he should protect me from my dad) so I can avoid my dad. The action and result end up being the same, me trying to distance myself, him trying to exert more control. I want to create the feelings of strength, capablity, peace, and love in both of my intentional models, I just can’t figure out what thoughts to use. I considered taking a self defense class which could help me think I can take care of myself and create the feeling of strength and capability, but I’m not sure if that might also just be buffering. I’m not sure where to go from here or what I’m missing, but this is something that is almost constantly running through my mind and when I do finally give in and spend time with my dad I’m always on the vigil making sure he doesn’t get too close, making sure I’m never alone with him, I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of flight or fight when I’m around him even though it’s probably not necessary. But because I’m always so anxious I think every little thing is a sign he’s going to do something innapropriate again which is a thought that creates more fear. I feel like this state of mind is holding me back from so much growth and progress in other areas of my life because it takes up so much room in my head. I hate giving these thoughts that much space and power. How can I create the right intentional model and move on?