Hi coaches. It is becoming more clear to me that I buffer because I do not like my life. I feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere, and I just don’t feel “right” about anything. I buffer because if I don’t, I feel not just anxious and restless, but also resigned to my life. Defeated. If I stop trying to change myself, which is exhausting me, I’ll have to just accept that I am who I am. And I’m pretty upset about that, so I keep trying to hard to change myself and it’s just not working. Am I just supposed to give up? Stop trying to change myself? Just be…myself?
I think that under all of this, I don’t really like myself. I actually think this is why I can’t get my business off the ground, either – I can’t be myself. I keep thinking of what everyone else might want me to be, or what might be profitable, or how I feel I should define myself.
And I just can’t seem to keep this up forever. I’ve been operating this way for years and I’m exhausted, and terrified of living the rest of my life like this, honestly. The idea of going through the motions like this for the rest of my life feels intolerable. Intolerable enough that I need to buffer. I mean, I can NOT buffer, but I just feel so lonely, isolated, purposeless, and tired that it feels like – what’s the point?
But I’ve made so many major changes in my life that it feels futile. No change that I have ever made on the outside has ever made me happy, and I’ve done some things other people would think are pretty awesome.
So – where does happiness come from? It seems to elude me, no matter what I try. Maybe if I could figure out how to get happy NOW, I could quit my job and start my biz for real. Because inside, I’m terrified that I’m going to quit and will feel the exact same way – except I’ll be missing my paycheck.