Why Is It The End?

In one of my 1:1 sessions (thank you very much for these!), the coach helped me identify this model. She helped me see that I am thinking moving in with my bf is the end of our relationship. She told me to explore why I’m making it mean that.

C: moving in with bf
T: I’m going to be rejected
F: anxious
A: look for reasons why this might not be a good idea, worry and ruminate/obsess, don’t pack or plan, don’t do anything to prepare to move, doubt my decision, buffer, don’t eat, don’t sleep, don’t concentrate on my own life and goals, invite myself to being rejected by him ahead of time because I’ve shared my fears and doubts with him which I probably shouldn’t have done,
R: I reject myself, I reject him and us and I reject the move

As for why am I making it mean it’s the end of our relationship instead of the beginning, I know I’ve thought for a long time that commitment would be hard for me, I also have the belief that I can’t do relationships and I always end them. I think once he sees how I live, he’ll realize he doesn’t love me and that I’m not good enough. I am feeling really resistant to it and I am also resisting my worry and anxiety and fear and buffering against them.

On one of the calls this past week and with the work on our pasts, I realized I have thoughts about my dad, that I was never good enough for him, he was never there when he was married to my mom and then still not after they divorced. I think I have a lot of the same thoughts I have about their relationship with my own. That they divorced because of money (I am worried my bf will reject me because of my own debt and money), my dad had anger issues and I am kind of looking for that in my bf … I don’t know where to go with all of this but I am exhausting myself by letting my energy leak out through thinking about this so much and doubting it all and I don’t know what to do, if I should go through with it or not.

I do think he’s a great guy but now that I started doubting everything my brain has gathered evidence that maybe he’s not so great and I’m so confused.