Why would I do this to myself?

I have a relationship in my life which is not serving me. Well I think it’s only a relationship in my head now.

The person has ghosted me.

The more he treats me badly, the more I want to prove I’m worthy, leading me to obsess and ruminate. He has treated me with very little respect, so why am I so obsessed with what he thinks about me – the trouble is I don’t think he thinks about me at all.

We haven’t spoken for 3 months and it feels as if the situation with myself is getting worse, it’s no worse with him because we don’t talk. I’m torturing myself. I really want to dislike him. Is it possible to make myself dislike him?

Actually when I think about it, I think I do dislike him a bit, but then in a strange way, I think I like him because he treats me terribly.

Why would I want this? Why am I so hell bent on wanting him to be interested in me?

I keep having this sentence pop into my head ‘I want to win’. I do not know where this comes from or what it means. I’m not competitive. I can’t stand the thought of him not being interested in me. So confused.