My father had a seizure in January and was admitted to the hospital where he was chemically detoxed from alcohol and subsequently diagnosed with compression fractures in his spine. I flew out to California from Colorado on January 7th the day that he was admitted and have been here since, except for a handful of business and other trips. My sister lives here and we have been keeping him at her house and helping him rehab from the back injury. Now, he is 90% recovered physically. I don’t know if his back will ever be able to return to what it was prior. He can ride his bicycle and putter around the yard and microwave meals. He doesn’t remember stuff short term. Some stuff – that is emotionally impactful – he does remember and lots he does not. We have taken him to a counselor and had him sign an agreement that he will not drink alcohol. With the freedom to get around on his bike he has been riding downtown and getting beer. I know because it changes his demeanor and he admits that he has had beer. The house that he was living in on his own in was bought by my sister with her money. She has been managing his finances because he wasn’t paying bills. He was pawning things – like his tools and prior to that guns before we took them after he pointed a loaded gun while intoxicated at my sister (not maliciously but still). He says we are trying to control his life but he his facts and memory of how everything has occurred aren’t accurate. We had decided to sell the house and not let him return there because my sister would like the money out and it appears that he can’t live on his own anymore. This may not be true. He can live on his own and drink his life away. That is a choice he will most likely make. So our choices seem to be:

1) Not sell the house, let him return, possibly injury himself again and either do this all again (or not)
2) Take him to a homeless shelter and give him back control of his finances
3) Go the legal route for conservatorship and force him into a home that he will HATE

NOT AN OPTION: Is keep doing this with him where I am working from California, living in my sister’s house and feeling “stuck”. She doesn’t like to hear that I feel stuck because the original plan was to have him live in a house I own nearby that is for elderly people with care help in the home. I don’t think he’ll stay there unless we can force him to stay there. An he’ll continue to drink. The house is several months away from being done and ready for people to move in. My sister says I am breaking what I said I would do – stay until he can go into that house – which is true but I thought the house would at least have had more progress right now but it doesn’t. She also agrees that if he is drinking we need to do SOMETHING.

It feel impossible.

C: My dad is an alcoholic. My dad has memory issues (diagnosed by my sister and I as alcohol related dementia)

T:This is impossible and there are no fast resolutions.

F: STUCK. Powerless. Lonely.

A: I eat bread.

R: I get fatter.

Also:

C: I’m living in California helping to take care of my dad who doesn’t really seem to want our help.

T: My sister will be mad at me and our relationship will be ruined if I make a different choice.

F: Terrible because I’ll disappoint her and ruin our relationship

A: I stay, feeling terrible. I am trying to escape more and more by various unhealthy actions.

R: I feel terrible, am getting fatter and becoming more ineffective in my business.

What I would like is this:

C: My dad is living some where that he likes and I’m no longer his primary caretaker.

T: FREEDOM!

F: Great, amazing, choice, freedom

A: I create my life the way I see it in the future.

R: I LOVE my life.

Is that too high level view?

OK, so thank you for letting me brain dump this out.