Desire to feel numb from bulimia

Hi Brooke. This is pretty deep but here we go. I admire you more than anyone I have ever known and appreciate your brilliant mind. I am a registered nurse in hospice care that has used your podcasts to help myself help others. You have also given me so much clarity into my issues with food and helped me become aware to my storm eating and numbing out my feelings. I’ve struggled with bulimia for 14 years now and still trying to deal with the “sitting with feelings” part. By doing the thought download I’ve learned that the hardest part and biggest thing I’m afraid of is the “end of a meal.” I don’t want it to end. I just want to eat and eat and feel numb because moving on to the next thing isn’t as good as sitting and eating. I don’t want to get up from the couch to clean the house or do a million other obligations I feel I have to do to feel worthy. Geneen Roth says in her book “Breaking Free from Emotional Eating”, “without the edge of anticipation and waiting, life was dull and meaningless so I’d find another person or event (meal) to build my life around, replace my hopes in. I lived for waiting for a moment I never wanted to come because then it would be over. And then, I didn’t know what to do with myself after.” – how she described her worst part about eating. That’s how I feel and I don’t know how to move on from it. I’ve sat with my feelings and I’m angry that I don’t have anything exciting to feel or have anything in my life that is better than food. I’ve searched and searched and read self help books, listened to all your podcasts, journal daily and still, I’m hungry for something. I plan out weeks with strict food regiments and exercise plans but nothing sticks. I fall into immediate gratification with food and numbing out because the alternative is sitting in a deflated and hollowed body. My patients that are dying and have lost interest in food have made me question my beliefs about my life and what I have held on to for so long (bulimia) to buffer. What if, when I lose joy in food, I find no joy in life and if I lose my desire eat, I’ll lose my desire to live like them? Any suggestions or thoughts that I could use to steer me in a better direction. I appreciate your time.