2017…Year in review..

Wow is just too small of a word for what I accomplished in 2017..Joined SCS the moment I heard about the program and could not imagine where my life would be without this program and the mental health work I was willing to do to accomplish my goals.

My 2017 goal kept me up at nights as it was somewhat vague. To be Happy and Free..Sounds so flip when you consider I apparently have everything that would give the outside world the impression I already am happy and free.

I’m retired for four years now and enjoy and carefree lifestyle in a beautiful home and garden I have created. I have a lovely husband of almost 20 years who allows me the freedom to come and go much as I please..we are financially comfortable with little worries. So where are this nagging desire for more happiness and my passion for freedom coming? Not sure of where in my brain..it just is there and has been my whole life. I dreamed of retiring and just going and doing everything I did not have time to do when I worked full time for 55 years. I grew up in a family business and have worked full time since I was ten years old.

I spent the last year making my lovely life as perfect as possible, worked SCS to the best of my ability and I was genuinely happy in my marriage. My husband retired eleven years ago, and his life is much different from mine. He prefers to stay in his room, watching TV and reading about other people’s lives and experiences through facebook. He has limited contact with the outside world, and as he has gotten older, he has become an extreme introvert and recluse.

My life has gone in a different direction as I have ramped up my social life with many new friends and a much stronger bond with my family of choice, I have picked up a new sport of Pickleball and have been having a great time and meeting new people.

Though SCS I have learned it is normal to be happy 50% of the time..the other 50% my life is ass, and no matter what my brain is doing I show up and keep loving my life.. It’s my human experience.

As the year 2017 was approaching, and I was considering my 2018 Impossible goal..I’m going to start my new company Exquisite Homes Housesitting Services. It’s going to be so fun, I have never started or owned a business, and it scares me, but I can do hard things even when I’m afraid. I can not wait to see the list of those 30 clients I have on December 31, 2018

I knew I had unfinished business to take care of in 2017 and I made a decision to leave my marriage and moved 40 miles away. I have been able to handle the drama that upending my husband’s world has created. He was in complete denial and shock when I came into his room and said, “we need to have a hard conversation, I’m leaving”

The guilt of leaving an old, sick man to fend for himself is unimaginable. I promised him he could stay in our home, I would help him in every way. I have my own money so I will not be taking any of your money, it is all there. The bank accounts are in tack..and you are debt free.

He could not wrap his brain around this and was furious and ugly to me. I allowed him to vent and say everything he wanted to tell me and I did not defend and often agreed with him. I may be a horrible person for leaving, but I’m still going… I heard all the things my brain had been screaming at me. I’m too old, I will never make it, who the fuck do I think I am? You can’t go and start a new business; it will never work. How can you ruin our lives?..I thought we were going to be together till we die, You are only afraid of getting old, and this is your way to avoid the truth., but I’m still leaving.

After he exhausted himself yelling and screaming, I told him. You might be right, I may be making the worst mistake in my life, I may be the laughing stock of all my friends and family and all this could blow up in my face, but what if I don’t try? What if I don’t follow my dreams of being free..then for sure I have failed. And I am so fortunut..if I do fail, I have a huge safety net right here with you. I know in my heart if I fail you would welcome me back with open arms and would not judge me. I know right now you do not understand me and my hope in time is that you will be proud of me I still love you with all my heart, but I’m still leaving..

I spent two days helping him do for himself. He has never made himself a cup of coffee or paid a bill in 20 years. I can see where I have hurt him by doing everything for him. A few days after moved he called me to tell me he has tried to do the things I showed him but he is not able and “I can’t do this life” and hung up the phone. I called 911 to request a welfare check by the police as I feared he had killed himself. The police met me at the house, and he was in crisis but claiming to the police he never told me he was killing himself, and their hands are tied by law, he can keep his guns, and there was nothing they could do. I went into the house and told my husband I would take him to the VA Hospital for help, and he refused. I asked him if there was anything he needed me to help him and he refused, so I left him and went back to my new home.

A moment of reality has struck both of us. As I was crying and driving to the house not knowing if I would find him dead I could not come up with one person in his life I could call and ask them to go and be his friend. Not one person is in his life but me. He is completely estranged from his family and has not one friend. That shocked not only me but him as well. As we were talking rationally he was crying saying..I have no one but you..there is just no one, and for right now this is a sad fact.

In a couple of days I was back at the house, and he was in a better place, and he confessed to me he had tried to kill himself with a bottle of sleeping pills, but it did not work..I told him I was afraid for him as for the grace of God the pills had worked he would be dead. I said to him “Let’s get you some help.”

I called him a few days later, and we met at a quiet restaurant for dinner. I told him I wanted HIM to make an appointment with a counselor for couples counseling. He called, and they will not see us as a couple until each of us has had individual counseling and he made his appointment, and I did the same in my area.

We both have met with our counselors and last night while we facetimed he looked better and told me the counselor told him.
“You have a lot of work”, and he has agreed to continue individual counseling and work on his mental health, never would he have agree to seek counseling if I was still there. Brooke as sad as this sound now ..I know both of us are going to have a great 2018. He does not realize how beautiful his life can be, but he must make an effort. I have not been caring for him I have been hurting him by being there..a completely different thought that is true..by me staying I’m hurting him..I never even thought about this until now..Wow..Thank you, Brooke, this has been the best year of my life, and SCS has been an entirely life-changing experience for both of us….Merry Christmas and Love you all ..Margrettte