Hi, I’m writing in for the first time.
In the last two years I have gained 30lbs. I am trying to commit to weight loss. When I coach and do my thoughtwork, I lose weight. I have lost sight of everything. I am recently re-commting and starting to become aware of my thoughts. I have thankfully unearthed something that was bothering me a great deal.
Yesterday I was in a yoga class, and it was an amazing class, and I realized during the class, my mom still causes me a great deal of pain. I started crying in the middle of class. My birthday was Friday and she didn’t call me, only sent a text message. I was upset that she didn’t call me. I did call her and she didn’t answer. she does for evening hours so when I was driving home around 430p she had started her shift 4p-midnight. About 8 months ago, I realized through some thought work that she is a narcissist. She manipulated me as a child, emotionally abused me and if she does not have control of me she lies or cuts me off.
some of the thoughts I am having about her are
-shes doing what she always does
-shes not honest
-she has untreated psychiatric illnesses, I should feel bad for her
-she torments me when she is in her own pain
these various thoughts have led me to act in the following ways
-I don’t call her
-distance myself from her
-dont ask about her health
a little history, in august ’21 when I had my revelation, through coaching (at another program), I put up some boundaries, and she did not like it. She asked me what was wrong, got frustrated I wouldn’t’ talk about it. Then she stopped talking to me approx 5 mos., ago. So since October I had been calling her once a week, she sparsely answered. and when she did she guilted me about being close to death (she’s healthy and works FT) when I did speak with her. My son got a stomach bug 5 days before my bday and she Called me and talked to me like normal, but on my bday she just sent a text. it was a nice message. but I am very bothered by her behaviors in general
I know I have unprocessed feeling about her being a narcissist some of which are denial,pain, resentment. I fear becoming the same monster for my kids.