Accepting Behaviors Even Though a Person Has Promised and Dealing With a Manual That Has to be Thrown Away

I have had a husband for 8 years who is the father of our 7 year old child. My husband has said that he wants and will change (in several matters). These are changes that he sees would benefit himself.   And yes, the changes are my manual I have for him.

So, with his promises, I have let myself wait and wait and wait, been understanding and thought I was ok with waiting. I now understand I have to let go of my model and just accept him, even accept that he promised things but then really does not want to change or is not capable of changing. I have a hard time letting go of the manual as this affects my life.

I don’t trust him anymore and there are so many things that I have been waiting for. I have let resentment build up within me and my feelings have changed for him.  I feel angry at him because I never wanted to come to a place where I am now.

I understand I have power over my thoughts and if I would think differently, I could work on resolving the resentment and build up loving feelings for him again. (without him changing one bit).

I also realize it will be a lot of work and that I do not feel like putting so much work into it. I guess I could work on a model and see why I don’t feel like it, but I also have the option to accept the feelings that I do not desire to, either way it will be ok. Is this right, or am I missing something?

I think and feel that I will be able to thrive and grow as a person if I am NOT married to him more than if I will be married to him. My quality of life will improve.

I also think and feel I can stay with him, live a life good life but ultimately think I am settling for less as I want to live differently thank he does.

I realize when I think I want to leave him I feel freedom at the end but there is also anger and hurt. I think I need to resolve this before leaving him.  Is this good or am I just better off working on that later?

I have anger because if he had just changed like he promised he would, I would not have to take any actions or have thoughts about divorcing him. Because how I feel/think about him now, I have to take serious steps that will take a lot of effort from me. I have to move out, rethink my life and split up the family.
Thinking about leaving is overwhelming.  Figuring out how to make enough money to survive and provide is scary. Thoughts about guilt, thoughts of anger, thoughts of I should have not accepted “behaviors” for the length of time as I have.

Working through all my models feels like I have a lifetime to work on and will not ever be able to make a decision.

I realize I am not ready to leave as I have more models to work on to get stronger and come to a final decision but I almost feel as if I get more and more worn down.

What if I just jump out in the unknown and make a drastic decision and deal with it? Please help.