I spend a great deal of time trying defend myself with a person in my life who is my boss and my mother regarding who I am. At work and in life. It’s exhausting.

I don’t know why I spend the time doing it. Why the need to prove her my worth? Why am I in this codependency cycle to convince her that I am good enough?

I want to break free. Have the self will to move on from caring what she thinks about me to be more important than what I believe about myself. The fighting is non stop. It’s all about her. What she needs. What she wants. She has all the control. She calls all the shots.

The only control I have is over me. How do I respond. Been placating, suppressing my feelings, buffering, people pleasing, loving in anxiety. I really don’t want to do what she wants.

She accuses me of not working. She accuses me going against her. She accuses me of having another job. Neither are true and the lack of value of my person is the constant reminder of all my marriages that have failed. The underlying theme of accepting the mistreating of someone who proclaims to love me take me for granted.

I’ve already set the goal that I would leave. We started going to counseling. Not sure if going will aid in placating her and help me stay a little longer since it’s over the phone or simply get me more angry for having to pretend. I guess it’s always a means to an end. I really just need to see things for the moment. Start applying. And doing what I can do today to help myself the rest will solve itself.

I need to get out out of this trauma bond with her.

1. Are there podcasts episodes to listen to on How to deal with accusations without defending?

2. What would help me strengthen my muscle on not caring on what people think besides self confident?

3. How would the ideal model thoughts you do on counseling if the result is leaving the job?