First off, Thank you, Brooke, and SCS Coaches for your support. And Thank you for the creation of SCS and the collective work of all — Brooke, her team, Coaches, and Scholars.
I just feel like my eyes have been opened.
I didn’t call my mom right away… it took a few days to get into the headspace that I wanted to be in and figure out what massive action I wanted to take.
But I will say that I have done so much in getting to what I ultimately want to get to — to create a peaceful and unconditionally loving relationship with my mother. (And, in only a week!! And I’m a fairly new Scholar!)
I feel that the rich amount of resources provided by TLCS Podcast and SCS and the coaching calls helped accelerate the process of what I have always wanted, but didn’t know the “what“ or the “how“. I listened to Brooke’s Live Coaching Call with Michelle Z on her mom several times. So many gems of tools and concepts in that coaching call that is helping me heal my own relationship with my mother. (And, in turn… will heal my relationship with my husband, my siblings, difficult co-workers, etc…. because it will always be my own brain there wherever I go.) The concepts and tools are somehow coming together in my brain…. all because of the thought that I truly believe in TLCS/SCS work.
I started reading “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle (per Brooke’s recommendation in her podcast.) The preface alone spoke to me so much. I understood a little more of what Brooke was saying to Michelle Z when she was referring to our “ego”.
“Acute crises and dysfunction always precede or coincide with an evolutionary advancement or gain in consciousness. All life-forms need obstacles and challenges in order to evolve. In the case of the ego, most of the challenges it encounters are self-created through its unconscious patterns. Eventually, the ego brings about its own demise. In that sense, it can be considered a necessary precursor for the next stage in human evolution, which is the awakening of consciousness.” — Eckhart Tolle
My huge fight with my mother (probably the worst one we’ve had to date) in light of all that I know with TLCS was the “acute crisis and dysfunction.” That was one of my lowest points as a person.
But, because of The Model and the coaching, I became aware of my “ego” going through the “unconscious pattern” of anger, resentment, and victim mentality. I was really able to *see* myself… to see my “ego” that has the unconscious habit of lashing out in anger and defensiveness.
Yet at the same time (and just as important) I didn’t beat myself up. I’ve had issues with my self-worth. I remembered Brooke saying in a podcast that our worth is likened to a pink diamond. We are unique and worthy. We just are. I couldn’t understand it so well at the time. But I now see and take it a step further that my angry, resentful “worst self” that fought with my mom, was merely a facet of my pink diamond-ness. It may be the flawed facet of the pink diamond, but it doesn’t make me any less worthy.
All in all, I got to that headspace — the peaceful, brave, and unconditionally loving daughter, who wanted to resolve my conflict with mom once and for all.
I was just fed up with fighting.
So I decided — To accept her for who she is… flawed facets and all. To open up to whatever she may say or do and see some truth in what she says or does and love her for all of it. To forgive the past and all resentments that I had harbored.
It’s still a work in progress no less!!
But I am learning, and I am getting there.
It is important work to me.
But anyway, I ended up writing a letter and emailed/texted it to my mom. She didn’t read it (since she was avoiding me as well.) She told me later that she was so hurt by my behavior that she needed some space. She said she was “loving me from afar”. But when she did come over to our house, I read her the letter that I wrote to her from my new headspace. And for the first time in a long time, we had an open and honest conversation free of judgement.
So here’s the letter — Just sharing… as to show what is possible of what we can create when we get to that new space.
I never would have thought it possible before. But here it is.
I know you don’t want to see me, and you have every right and reason to not see me after my behavior last week.
I wouldn’t want to see me either.
I am truly sorry for reacting to you the way that I did when you were just bringing up your concerns about my treatment of M.
My teasing him was insensitive. I didn’t know that was still a sore subject for him. Hurting him is the last thing I would want to do to him.
I now see that you were being a mom, who was concerned. You were being a mom who wanted to make things right.
And my reaction to what you said and my behavior last week was my worst self. I don’t take pleasure at all in acting like that.
If it means anything to you, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I felt guilty and ashamed about my words and actions.
This past week is not at all what I envisioned for your visit here. I’m sorry for not being a better daughter.
I want to be a better daughter, and I am working on that. I don’t want to act like that again with you or treat you like that again.
You don’t deserve that.
You might not believe it right now, but
I do love you.
You have only ever done or said anything to us out of love for your children and family. You have done so much for us and as best you could do as our mom with the circumstances you were given in life. I can’t imagine having any other mom. You are so strong, and I can only hope to be more like you.
I don’t ever want to behave that way again with you.
I am so sorry.
I have realized even more that
I truly, deeply love you,
which is why I have never hurt as much as I have with shame and guilt for treating you as I did last week.
I love you.
And, I hope you were able to accomplish as much as you needed to with the house and with everything else.“
*** A million times thank you. I can’t wait to see what the future will bring in other aspects of my life with this work! ***