This is an upsetting model for me to share. It’s an honest, unintentional model about an argument husband and I had last night. This is me at my weakest! This argument is part of a repeated pattern. It is a good example of how and why husband and I argue (from time to time).
As there’s a pattern in these arguments, it’s a model I’ve touched on before in my journaling and this is today’s version of it.
It’s worth saying that the situation described in this model (which I started with the T line) is in the context of very long and stressful hours this week at work for me. Here’s the model. Any help or direction welcome. I’m thinking that in October I will focus on relationships to dig deeper on this.
(start with T, unintentional model)
C: husband talked yesterday about son’s screen time
T: Sick of him talking continuously to me about son’s screen time – he’s complaining to me as if I have to solve the problem when I have so much else on my plate with work!
A: I engaged in the conversation with husband reluctantly and kept wanting it to end, but it ended up taking 2 hours, I argued with husband, I could see husband was anxious about son’s screen time, but I lectured him not to be. Telling him how things should be.
Expressing to him my resentment that he’s talking to me about this again, and it’s the 4th time this week. Didn’t move towards a solution-focused conversation which I know works, eg. “let’s focus on how to limit son’s screen time on weekdays,” “let’s look at what to do next.” Husband’s question and his worry about son’s screen time was not addressed
I talked from a position of feeling accused – as if I have to solve all problems at home or I am the cause of all problems. I don’t think husband meant it that way. I know if I had addressed his issue robustly he would have appreciated it, but had no energy.
Didn’t exit conversation even though it wasn’t going anywhere, even though I could see I was getting angry, and even though son’s dinner was delayed and he possibly could overhear some of it Cried briefly. Didn’t sleep at night as my angry and resentful feelings continued. Kept phone near bed and scrolled at night on Twitter which damages my sleep (I usually take phone to other room at bedtime). Didn’t spend enough time with son.
R: had a long & completely useless argument, where husband’s complaint (request?) remained unresolved and my effort to ‘change things’ and ‘explain why he’s wrong’ by arguing did nothing.