Art Commissions + Impossible Goal

My Impossible Goal for 2019 involves my art and so I’m finding it helpful to focus in on specific places I’m feeling stuck right now to help me prep for my 2019 actions/failures.

Here is a specific set of circumstances. I sometimes do commission work as a part of my art business. I have a few commissions that I am veer back and forth from feeling 1. very excited about because I am thinking: I am such a big fan of/love the people these works would be for, it’s exciting to have the opportunity to make something for them, 2. very despairing because I am not thinking highly of myself.

I know I get to choose what I am thinking of myself. My future self LOVES my work and is just as excited for the people to receive it as she is that she gets to make something for them. She has NO DOUBT that she will create very special work for these very special people. Is is simple and straightforward for her what the work should be and how to go about it. She has ideas she gives to me right now even but I find myself still trapped in my current thought which is:

those ideas are not good enough

those ideas are not special enough

or complex or sophisticated enough

those ideas are too simple

they won’t get it

I need something really special

I need a better, “harder” idea.

Then I go back to look at the canvas(es) I’ve started and think:

C: Commission
T: there are a lot of things wrong with this
F: disheartened
A: avoid, inaction
R: painting remains dissatisfying

And then I think
C: Commission
T: I don’t know how to fix this
F: confusion
A: avoid
R: it’s not any different – I don’t know anything new either, not learning

C: Commission
T: what has worked for me in the past?
F: curiosity
A: wonder about that –
R:get an answer: realize the answer is “trust and not being in a rush to get it done and therefore prove to my fear that I will do it”

C: commission
T: I am afraid to trust and not rush because how do I know I’ll finish?
F: anxiety
A: spin
R; don’t finish

In my aligned model, my future self thinks so much less than I does. She trusts her instincts, acts decisively, moves on, doesn’t make every single painting mean such a big deal, an end all/be all, she loves the process and trusts that she completes all the paintings she wants to complete – timely and in a way that is kind to her. She really respects her sense of process and instinct, she doesn’t indulge in doubt or struggle with herself. She likes challenges though – she feels the opportunity in places where I currently now just despair and get stuck.
Aligned model:
C: 5 paintings a week
T: I do this because it is fun, I love this process
F: love, focus, aliveness
A: do the work, complete a painting, on to the next
R: it’s a fun process that I love

Do you see any places you would work different thoughts/coach this differently? Thank you!